Q: When President Bush says, "This government does not torture," isn't that true only because he got Alberto Gonzales to write a secret memo redefining the meaning of torture?
A: Yes. The Constitution grants the power to redefine words to the unitary executive.
Q: You're making that up. That's not in the Constitution.
A: Yes, it is. It's in a secret Article.
Q: But there's no such thing as a -
A: I see you're not wearing your flag lapel pin.
Q: The President says he vetoed SCHIP because it's big-spending socialized medicine. Does that mean the Republicans who voted for it are big-spending socialists?
A: Answering that would only help the terrorists.
Q: What does terrorism have to do with health care?
A: 9/11 changed everything.
Q: Dana, does President Bush agree with Rush Limbaugh that troops who don't support his Iraq policy are phony soldiers?
A: Everyone in America is entitled to our opinion.
Q: Does the President believe he needs to ask Congress for authorization if he wants to use military force against Iran?
A: As the President has said repeatedly, all options are on the table.
Q: But does he think that the Kyl-Lieberman amendment gives him that authority?
A: We appreciate the broad bipartisan support our policy enjoys.
Q: But in a New Yorker article, Seymour Hersh says sources tell him that the Administration is already planning a military strike on Iran.
A: Every few months, Sy Hersh provides us with an excellent argument against a Federal shield law for journalists.
Q: Dana, Minnesota National Guardsmen returning from Iraq have charged that the Pentagon deliberately ordered more than a thousand of them home one day short of the 730 days needed to qualify for full educational benefits under the GI Bill.
A: The President often reminds his staff that college is overrated.
Q: What's the Administration's stance on Senator Craig's refusal to resign?
A: That's for the Senate to decide.
Q: Not even a smile, Dana?
A: Any other questions?
Q: Republican Presidential candidates are avoiding mentioning President Bush on the stump. Isn't that a repudiation of his policies?
A: I don't remember Al Gore campaigning on President Clinton's record.
Q: So you think Bill Clinton will be a liability for Senator Clinton?
A: He did raise taxes.
Q: But he left you a surplus.
A: And a recession. And 9/11.
Q: 9/11 was Clinton's fault?
A: Please don't put words in my mouth.
Q: The Washington Post quotes a former senior official as saying that "nearly everyone who has left the administration is angry." Is that a fair assessment?
A: If you weren't so busy being Hezbollah's sock-puppet, Helen, you might see how ridiculous that charge is on the face of it. Lester?
Q: Dana, isn't the Democrats' attempt to tie the President's hands in Iraq a blatant interference with the powers of the Commander-in-Chief, not to mention a reminder of Senator Obama's inexperience, Senator Edwards' haircut, MoveOn.org's treason, and Chappaquiddick?
A: I'm glad you asked.