Most women think that men have it all figured out when it comes to sex with women. The fact is that when a man has sex with one woman he has had sex with ONE woman. All women are different. We are wired differently and even our genital anatomy can vary between women. For most men, being with a new lover or even a seasoned lover is like a mystery novel. Why do most women believe that it's some kind of taboo to tell their male lovers what turns them on? The plain truth is that too many women don't believe this one simple truth: Most men not only appreciate it, but love it when women tell them what they want when it comes to sexual pleasure.
Somehow, as women ... so many of us have put the male in charge of "teaching us" to know everything about great love making. This is some kind of hold over from the days of good girls didn't know about sex and didn't prepare for sex. If you educated yourself, you were a "slut" or "bad girl." I know this sounds oddly dated. But this taboo of women "knowing" still lives on in some kind of cultural DNA in too many female bodies. The fact is, if you are expecting your Knight in Shining Tin Foil to teach you everything about extraordinary love making, you may be waiting forever.
It's not that there aren't men who understand a woman's body and how to make love with women -- there are! But that's not the point. It's about giving up our own responsibility for our own pleasure when we go all quiet and not showing up to support our lovers in unlocking the mystery of our own bodies.
Remember, that once the initial hotness of new love and new sex wears off -- communication can become even more essential. Take this on as an opportunity to explore with your partner and open a dialog about what feels good and what you might like to explore.
In my sex coaching work, I have worked with hundreds of men and the down low is that they want to know how to please their women! They want to bring their women pleasure! They want to feel like winners in the bedroom and they often tell me that it is like playing "Blind Men's Bluff." They often have no idea what is pleasing their lover because their lover simply doesn't not communicate to them.
If you want pleasure with your lover -- or even let's call it "Sexual Ecstasy" -- it's not going to happen during a game of "Blind Man's Bluff." You have got to give him your pleasure map, and if you don't know it -- then it's your responsibility to figure it out. There are a lot of resources out there! Go get it and bring it home!
And, I understand that speaking your desires and pleasure may feel very uncomfortable for you. But if you are frightened that you will emasculate, upset or humiliate your lover by giving him some support and guidance during sex -- you need to give up that fear. He wants it! And it might even turn him on more!
When you try to pretend that sex feels good and it doesn't to protect your lover's ego, you're not being in service to anyone. Not to him and not to you. Ask yourself this question: "Am I honoring my body?" and "Am I really honoring him?" Faking pleasure and enduring sex is the fastest way to end a relationship. The solution is really simple: if something feels good -- tell him! Make sounds! Move! Use your voice! And if something doesn't feel good, try telling him that as well. Asking him to slow down. Move his hand to a place that feels better. Shift positions and moan when sex feels good again. Our lovers want to share pleasure with us.
I know that it can feel uncomfortable when you need to communicate that something doesn't feel as good as it could feel. Sometimes we need support in getting it out. Try this phrase: "That feels good but what could make it feel better is..." This is a great way of gently guiding our lovers.
Sex communication takes practice. Move through the awkwardness and get to the good sex! Sex is a team sport and requires coaching, and communication between lovers. And when you start communicating with your lover, you have given him permission to communicate with you too. We can make sex be more enjoyable for both of you.
You can change how both of you communicate during sex and you can turn this game of trying to see in the dark into an experience of light and extended pleasure for both of you. Break the taboo. Communicate and ask for what you want!
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