At the Lord's Beck and Call

FILE- In this Feb. 20, 2010 file photo, T.V. host Glenn Beck addresses the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washin
FILE- In this Feb. 20, 2010 file photo, T.V. host Glenn Beck addresses the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington. The Anti-Defamation League posted on its website, Friday, Nov. 12, 2010, that Beck's comments on billionaire financier George Soros and the Holocaust were "inappropriate, offensive and over the top." Beck described Soros this week as a "Jewish boy helping send the Jews to the death camps." (AP Photo/Jose Luis Magana, File)

While giving a commencement address at Liberty University a week ago, Glenn Beck told the students that he not only had some personal thoughts to deliver, but also a message from God Himself.

My first thought was, geez, some people will say anything to get graduating students to listen to their commencement address. But then I considered the source and figured that if anyone had a pipeline directly to the Almighty, it was Glenn Beck.

"You tell them I am coming," Mr. Beck explained the Lord told him, "and I will settle scores."

Now, you might think that this admonition from God came as a warning for the students as they were about to embark unto the world. In fact, it was from three years earlier, when Glenn Beck was then preparing to speak in Jerusalem.

Maybe it's just the way I was brought up, but if the Lord God Almighty gave me a message to tell others, I might consider passing it along right away. In fact, if God's message was about Him making a visitation to mankind, I'd for sure want to act on it pretty quickly. At the very least, put out the good guest towels and a change of sheets. But Glenn Beck waited three years to let everyone know that God was on His way?? Man, talk about Grade-A procrastinating. Then again, considering his audience -- students who probably spent four years putting off writing papers until the last minute -- they could probably empathize, which is always a good thing with a long speech.

I can imagine God, though, waiting around at the Pearly Gates, twiddling His thumbs, tap-tap-taping His foot impatiently, waiting to be announced by Glenn Beck. After all, if Conan O'Brien needs Andy Richter to shout each night, "And now, here's your host...Coooooo-naaaaaan O'Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiannnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!, before he'll come on stage, one can only imagine what the Great Host requires before coming to earth. Making Him wait in the wings for three years doesn't seem like a good thing.

And considering that He's coming to settle scores, you'd think that you would really want to be on your very best behavior. You have to figure that God is truly in a pissed off mood to begin with. So, when the Lord gives you a message to deliver -- deliver it, for God's sake.

The thing about Glenn Beck's statement to the graduates, however, is that while it seems intended to make the faithful smile in beatific self-righteousness and make the heathen tremble -- he never actually explains whose scores God will be settling.

For all we know, God is bothered by false prophets, which is specifically why He warned Glenn Beck. God may have also figured that when He said "tell them I am coming," he selected Glenn Beck because the radio host speaks to his listeners every day and those are the ones who God is after.

One thing we can likely be sure of is that if God is coming to settle scores, it would in part be against those who go against His teachings in the Bible. In which case, some of the people who are in deep trouble include --

Sons who go against their parents and can be stoned to death. (Deut. 21:18-21)

Anybody who has worked on a Sunday should be put to death. In other words, kiss goodbye to the NFL. (Exodus 35:2)

Unmarried girls who say they're virgins but aren't can be stoned to death. Two thousand years of first dates down the drain. (Deut. 22:13-21)

If you've ever gone against the Lord's Third Commandment and taken God's name in vain, oh, man, you are in serious trouble and are in for a major score settling.

If you've ever eaten shellfish, that's an abomination in the Bible, and you have to figure that Biblical abominations are so at the top of the list when it comes to settling scores.

By the way, you have to figure that Sarah Palin should start wearing some protective gear as God settles scores, since He can't be too happy about her using baptism to justify torture.

Mind you, Glenn Beck is a Mormon, so it's not quite clear why he thinks he's safe from the wrath of God, who might not like Joseph Smith interpreting His words and taking them for his own.

Going further though, it's possible that God is pissed off by the hubris of being rewritten period, and therefore everything that comes from the New Testament unauthorized sequel is in for "false idol" score settling.

Then again, for all I know, God just meant that He's going to come and smite the New York Yankees and Dallas Cowboys. After all, He dealt with the New York Mets years ago. He may just want to update things.

In the end though, perhaps this is making it all the more complicated than it really is. Maybe the score that God wanted to settle was students who go to Liberty University, which is why He made them sit through a Glenn Beck commencement address.


To read more from Robert J. Elisberg about this or many other matters both large and tidbit small, see Elisberg Industries.