Attention: Please Put Your Penis Away

Attention: Please Put Your Penis Away
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Based on what I’ve seen on the news lately, I can only surmise one thing: Men think women give a shit about their dicks.

Now, I’ve seen my fair share of dicks, and not a single one was aesthetically pleasing.

That’s not to say I don’t like a nice penis. In fact, I can think of two or three that were perfectly pleasant, but in no way were they extraordinary. A penis is never an object of beauty. It’s just a regular body part that hangs there, limp and slightly shriveled, 90% of the time.

Obviously, every sexually active human being has a preference when it comes to the ideal size, length, and coloring, but I think many, many women would agree that penises are odd looking appendages.

So, Charlie Rose, Louis CK, Harvey Weinstein... put it away.

I suppose this is coming at you too little too late.

You already misread the situation.

You already overstepped boundaries.

You already made dozens of women emotionally distraught.

If only you’d kept your creepy crab hands to yourself. If only you hadn’t asked for a full body massage from a colleague. If only you hadn’t dropped trou unasked.

If only you’d kept the little general in your pants.

If you’d paused and considered the consequences of your actions… you might not be the most hated men in America right now.

You might still have your careers and your dignity. You might have prevented hundreds of women — young and old — from harboring countless unpleasant memories.

I have to ask. Guys, men, humans with penises: Why do you think we want to see your junk?

Many women don’t even find porn arousing. If I can’t get turned on by James Deen (Don’t know who he is? Look him up immediately...), why the hell would Louis CK’s ginger-pubed member suddenly get me all riled up?

Do these guys genuinely believe that they’re really that hot? Do they honestly think that pretty young women half their age desire them?

Or, is it like the spam email rule? If you send junk mail (pun intended?) to a million people, you might get a 2% open rate. If you show off your privates to 100 women, two of them might willingly put it in their mouths. Is that considered a reasonable success rate?

And I know the conversation the last few weeks has been about how these “big bad men” use their authority to coerce women into performing sexual acts they aren’t comfortable with, but it seems like in a number of these situations, powerful old guys just want hot, young, vulnerable women to admire their penises. They actually think it’s okay. They put them on display.

Some of these men went peacocking around, nude, in front of female subordinates. Others deemed it appropriate to just jerk off in the corner while a woman looked on uncomfortably.

It feels like a lot of lives would be un-ruined today if these assholes had just had the sense to not whip their dicks out in front of anyone who hadn’t verbally expressed a sincere interest. Hear that? Verbal consent.

So here are my parting words: Unless we indicate to you that it’s time for show and tell (i.e. consensual sexytime), please put your penis away.

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