If you are married or dating and haven’t read L.A. Knight’s laugh-out-loud new novel, Dog Training the American Male, (WJM Books/A&M Publishing LLC) I highly recommend it. It’s the story of a relationship counselor who can’t seem to make her own relationships work... until she discovers that the techniques used to train her boyfriend’s dog can also be used to train her boyfriend. At the heart of the story is the underlying premise that men and women may speak the same language but our brains are wired completely different. Conversely, men and dogs, being simple straightforward creatures of habit, can be domesticated by rewarding the desired behavior. For most men, this comes down to food, sex, and lying around on the couch watching TV. Give us what we want and we’re happy.
Which brings us to Donald Trump. Having watched the last Presidential Debate and the Republican candidate’s bizarre behavior, I asked my author, L.A. if he felt the billionaire could be trained. Knight – a Bernie Sanders supporter (the guy was a lovable mutt...and mutts are forbidden to win Best In Show) had this to offer:
“Although he snorts like a Bull Dog, I see Trump as more of a Chow Chow... the wild orange hair, the nasty disposition. The problem is that he’s been the Alpha Dog all his life, which is why he listens to no one. As a billionaire, he’s lived in a spoiled, isolated existence where he hasn’t worn a leash for fifty years; as a result he now lacks all social restraints. Enter his domain and it’s no holds barred. He’s liable to bark, growl, wag his tail, shove his nose in your groin hump your leg. Look at him during the second debate... he was all over the stage, snorting and sniffing like he was looking for a place to pee when he should have been placed in a sit and stay position.
“Instead of surrounding himself with YES MEN, Trump needs to appoint trainers who are not afraid to set him straight. Since that’s most likely not going to happen before the last debate, I’d skip leash training and go straight to the electric shock collar. If he strays past his chair... ZAP him.”
I asked L.A. if dog training techniques can work on women...say, Hillary Clinton?
“Not at all, ”Knight says. “While dogs have a pack mentality, women are more like cats. Ever try to herd cats... it’s chaos. However, if Hillary does win the White House, I have one suggestion – have Bill neutered. If she had done that sixteen years ago, Gore would have been president, we would have never invaded Iraq, and ISIS wouldn’t exist.”