I'm not going to pretend that a competition in which partners spell words from Harlequin romance novels by taking turns alternating each letter back and forth isn't somewhat difficult when you are standing before a panel of fourth grade judges. With that said, I weep for the future of this great country and the public education system, and hope that even though I subject myself to watching this monstrosity, I am not losing a significant amount of functioning brain cells. Welcome to week six of "Bachelor Pad!"
S-E-R-E-N-D-I-P-I-T-Y
Chris and Sarah scored immunity by spelling the word SERENDIPITY. They also journeyed via both plane and train to end up at an exotic overnight date location in a barn. Newsflash: Sarah is totally into Chris. Chris confessed that he may or may not be over his relationship with Emily (would we call it a relationship?) and was probably not ready to jump back into a serious relationship, but he'd still like to take a roll in the hay with Sarah if that's okay. Fortunately, she was super chill and had no problem with an indiscriminate, non-committed dill hole who has the innate propensity to string women along with what must be some pretty powerful pheromones. She was calm, cool and casual. Pay no attention to her ridiculous choice of footwear and make room for the checkered blanket.
T-I-T-I-L-L-A-T-I-N-G
Ironically, Blakeley and Tony were unable to spell TITILLATING (or any other word with more than four letters) but were later saved by Jaclyn and Ed from elimination. Tony found Blakeley and her boobs titillating and decided to recycle Stag's makeshift mansion date with Rachel last week by asking the ABC intern to break out the exact same blanket, candles and rose petals. Blakeley plastered on a fake smile and suffered through a horizontal make out session with the single dad as we were all treated to extremely close shots of his tongue zipping in and out of her mouth in a way that can only be described as the opposite of titillating.
C-O-C-K-A-M-A-M-I-E
Although Jaclyn and Ed were unable to secure the win by correctly spelling COCKAMAMIE, they were awarded a romantic overnight date for second place. Ed reminded Jaclyn, again, that he's not in this for romance and even admitted that he had a girlfriend back home whom he broke up with so he wouldn't have any guilt when he hooked up with other girls on the show ... because that's what you do. COCKAMAMIE! Jaclyn appeared distraught, but refrained from falling to pieces. Later at dinner, she again wanted to know how he felt. He compared the pressure to a Facebook status: Why must he say they are in a relationship? (Even though he's totally poking her. I'm just saying.) He slowly explained that he wants to continue sleeping together, but that's it -- he needs her comfort and her trust, he will NOT be doing any of the extra boyfriend-y things. She paused, collected her thoughts and just when I thought she was about to kick his rose-colored blazer to the curb, she kissed him and took him to the fantasy suite. This show makes me sad.
F-L-A-B-B-E-R-G-A-S-T-E-D
Even though Rachel and Nick couldn't spell FLABBERGASTED, I actually experienced the word three times in their storyline. One, they kept calling Rachel a "widow" because the Stag had been kicked off last week. Two, Rachel must have promised serious drama and perhaps a topless moment next week to Mike Fleiss and secured a cell phone to call Michael and cry to him about how much she missed his wicked b-boy dance moves and mad rapping skills. Finally, I was totally FLABBERGASTED when Nick spoke more than two words. He even had several monologues this episode, which made me wonder why exactly we haven't seen him shirtless more often?
E-L-I-M-I-N-A-T-I-O-N
If I had to bet at the beginning of the show who would be left standing at the end of the Bachelor Spelling Bee, it would have been Kalon and Lindzi. Sadly, their syrupy love life inhibited them from being best friends with anyone but each other in the house. With Chris and Blakeley both sporting safety roses, a big target was on both their backs and they were sent home even though Kalon tried hard to mastermind the voting last minute. He placed her in the rejection limo to the right as he climbed in the one on the left. Then he pulled an Ames, making his driver stop so he could crawl in to the limo with Lindzi so they could live happily ever after in his luxury brand apartment. Was it just me or is he totally in to her way more than she's in to him?
What do you guys think? Who are you rooting for? Is Blakeley really into Tony? Will Ed and Chris always be dill holes? By the looks of next week, Rachel may experience a complete and total meltdown. Should somebody slap her? Sound off in the comment section!
For the full recap, visit www.ihategreenbeans.com.