Despite being medicated for bipolar for almost 15 years, I haven't been in therapy for almost as long. I was briefly hospitalized upon diagnosis and after stabilization, I was so desperate to put it all behind me that after one negative experience with a therapist - I put my blinders on, buried myself in my work, continued to take my medication and let the years fly by.
Now, almost 15 years later and well into adulthood, I've found myself disconnected and only able to fully feel when I sing or write. I've forged forward just trying to survive and have not made the big decisions or changes I've needed to truly thrive.
I numbed myself in so many ways, mainly overstimulation - it's easy to do these days, especially in my line of work, especially in NYC.
Now at 34, I have a lot of disappointments I'm trying to come to terms with but I also have a lot of hope that I'm trying to nurture. I've had an extremely negative mind frame that I think may have undermined me from the start - I've always assumed failure while secretly hoping for and working towards success, trying to protect myself from the disappointment I'm now forced to feel.
I'm in therapy to pause and feel everything I've been running from.
I can't say if this will lead to any actions - perhaps it will simply confirm what I've already been doing but at least it will be by choice and not reaction or fear.
The unexamined life is not worth living. - Plato