When a close friend is reeling from a breakup, all you want to do is make them feel better and remind them of their worth.
You might bring over their favorite takeout to cheer them up or offer some advice. That last option can get you in a little trouble, though; as well-meaning as your advice may be, you’re not exactly “Iyanla: Fix My Life” or any of the “Queer Eye” guys.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, though. Few of us are pros at dispensing good breakup advice! Below, we ask people to share the worst post-split comments they’ve ever heard. (Then head here for some quality breakup advice.)
Not Exactly A Shocker
“I was fresh out of the closet and totally in love with my first girlfriend when I found out she was also hooking up with the girl down the hall. Admittedly, she had a bit of a player vibe, but whatever, I was blindsided and heartbroken! I blubbered to my friend about it, whose very cool response was, ‘I mean, are you really that surprised?’ Ah, yeah, I frigging was!” ― Anne Hogan, creator and comedian
Quality Time With Dad
“When my girlfriend of four years broke up with me, my dad took me to a strip club to ‘try and get closure.’ I didn’t get closure but I did get food poisoning from eating the coconut shrimp. We all heal in our own ways.” ― Michael Blaustein, standup comedian in Los Angeles
Arresting Art
“After being dumped at high school, my best friend followed the advice of
a mutual friend who was a bit crazy. He tagged ‘Dan P Loves Claire H’ across a billboard outside our school. He was subsequently pulled out of class and arrested an hour later.” ― Ollie Pearce, life coach
The Annual Checkup
“Not long after getting out of a short-term relationship, I went to the gynecologist for a routine Pap smear. We started talking and she asked me about my life. I mentioned to her I was newly single and complained about the myriad of reasons things didn’t work out in the relationship. She shook her head disapprovingly and with the cold speculum in my vagina, said, ‘Sounds like you should freeze your eggs.’” ― Jimy Shah, writer and standup comedian
I Never Liked Her Anyway
“The worst piece of advice I received after a breakup was from a well-intending friend when they said to me, ‘Don’t worry, Clayton. I always got the impression that she wasn’t up to your caliber. This breakup is for the best.’ What!? What an insult to say to me given I had spent a couple of years with this person. Trash-talking someone’s ex right after a breakup doesn’t do anything except make that person feel like crap.” ― Clayton Olson, life coach
Sharing Is Caring?
“‘Do you mind if I date him then?’ Super awkward if he was the one doing the breaking up, and only slightly less awkward the other way around.” ― Bobbie Palmer, dating coach
Slow Death By Shots
“If anyone offers you Jagermeister, do not drink it! It will never make you feel better about your breakup. It will only leave you on your friend’s bathroom floor crying, ‘Death take me.’” ― Hannah Solow, standup comedian in New York City
Keep On Trucking
“The worst advice I’ve probably gotten is: ‘Just move on.’ As if romantic entanglements involving chemicals mixing, emotions escalating and painful disappointment is something a person should just...move on from.” ― Fareeha Khan, standup comedian
Murder Suspect
“‘I never trusted him, he has serial killer vibes.’ This from my friend who introduced us.” ― Christi Chiello, standup comedian based in New York City
Murder Suspect No. 2
“My mom told me, ‘I never trusted you with him, I used to have dreams of him pushing you out the window.’ I’m like, what, why wouldn’t you tell me that sooner? I could have died!” ― Mila, makeup artist
Look On The Bright Side
“I have two: One friend told me, ‘At least you’re prettier than her’ ― when I got cheated on. Another person said, ‘He’ll be back’ ― as if you want that, or worse, if you actually want that but it never happens.” ― Selina Almodovar, dating coach
Long-Distance Love
“Last year after I got my heart broken at the end of a long-distance relationship, People would repeatedly go, ‘Distance is tough.’ And I’d just be like ‘Oh, is it?’ It was just so weird how people would bend over backward to tell me the thing that is currently causing me pain is, in fact, hard. Oh, thank goodness you told me.” ― Riley Silverman, comedian and writer in Los Angeles, California
Rom-com Adventure
“After a devastating breakup, I was crying inconsolably for days on end at the office so my coworkers decided to take me out to see the 2009 blockbuster ‘Couples Retreat.’ Needless to say that between me, Malin Akerman, Kristin Davis, Kristen Bell and Tasha Smith, four of us left that theater with renewed faith in love, and I was not one of them.” ― Cassie Cao, standup comedian in Toronto
Hooters Reconnaissance Mission
“When I was 24 years old and still living in Cincinnati, Ohio, I found out a guy I was dating in Lexington, Kentucky, had a live-in girlfriend he had failed to mention to me. Naturally, I ended it when I found out he had been dishonest and that’s when my friend came up with a harebrained scheme to drive to his girlfriend’s place of work, which happened to be a Hooters, and confront her. I knew it was a terrible idea and also knew it wasn’t the girlfriend’s fault, so we never confronted her. However, we did end up driving an hour and a half to that Hooters one day... just to see if she was cuter than me. Unfortunately, I’ll never know because she wasn’t working that day.” ― Candice Thompson, comedian and host of The Struggle podcast
Call His Mom
“A sweet friend gave me the craziest advice. She said, ‘Girl, you should call his mom and tell on him! You know she loves you, she will make him come back to you.’ I was like girl, no — that’s just desperate on every level!” -- Karen Fenderson, lifestyle blogger
Take Out The Trash
“I had a breakup and my friend recommended going to his front door and throwing his stuff into a tin bucket and lighting it in fire. Then ring the bell, hide in the bushes and watch him try to deal with the fire.” ― Aidan Park, standup comedian in Los Angeles
Upgrade You
“I think one of the most ridiculous things I’ve heard after a breakup is when your ex dates someone you think is ‘better looking’ than you and your friends say, ‘But are they happy?’ Insert eye roll.” ― Pete Dimitrakopoulos, lifestyle blogger
