Mr. Trump, your signature proposal is building a wall between the United States and Mexico.
And have I mentioned they're the ones who'll pay for it? Not us but them! They'll pay for it!
Yes, I believe you've made that point. However, in sections of the border that already have a 21-foot-tall fence, hundreds of tunnels have been built that allow access.
I know that, and when I'm President I will use the very greatest technology to stop all tunnels.
Can you tell us what that technology is?
Badgers. Many badgers. Lots of badgers.
To find the tunnels?
Wrong! These badgers - and I can call them badgers because no one's done more for omnivores than Donald Trump - they dig and they dig and they dig. And y'know what they do when they're done digging? They take the dirt and they bury it! Problem solved!
I'm afraid I don't follow...
They put the dirt in the tunnels! They close up the tunnel holes with the dirt!
But how would you get them to do that?
You wanta know how? Know-how! Badger know-how! We train the badgers, they dig around the wall area place, they find the tunnels and they bury 'em! Take that, China!
You're going to train badgers?
Not me personally, I'll be busy Presidenting, but I'm gonna hire the most amazing badger-trainers and we'll have the world's very greatest, most beautiful Badger Burying Force, believe me. The BBF! We will deputize literally billions of badgers.
Deputize?
Beautiful, right? 'Cause they're not just gonna be burying, they're gonna be fully empowered to detain and arrest.
Are badgers trainable in that way?
I have heard from many many people, including lots who themselves used to be badgers, that they're trainable in that way.
Wouldn't badgers be difficult to work with?
Who says that, anti-badger Hillary or some other not smart people? I read on the internet that badgers are the single greatest force for good in the universe.
Will this burying force include other burrowing animals, such as weasels?
No! No weasels in the BBF! Weasels are vicious and smelly and unAmerican. I don't know, but that's what people are telling me. Although some of them, I assume, are good weasels.
Woodchucks?
I have other plans for woodchucks, because I've been told by many many people that no one knows how much wood they could chuck if they could chuck wood. Under President Trump, they will chuck wood, believe me.
How will you prevent predators from interfering with the BBF?
Like what predators?
Well, Golden Eagles.
Drones. Let's see an eagle fight off a drone. I'd pay for that. No, Mexico will pay for that.
Bobcats?
I call 'em Hillary Cats 'cause they should be locked up.
Cougars?
They should stick to dating younger men. Trust me, no eagle or bobcat or cougar's gonna be a match for a beautiful motivated deputized weaponized badger intent on burying a tunnel. It's gonna be a holey war. Holey, get it?, with an e before the y.
The badgers will be weaponized?
They'll get pistols. What, badgers don't have a Second Amendment?
Even if they could be trained and weaponized, is there any evidence that badgers would join your holey war?
Holey, with an e! Trust me, they'll join, the badgers love Trump, believe me. I met with their King and they can't wait to start burying.
You met with the Badger King?
Twice! He's a huge fan. First time all he had was badger food, which I love, it's beautiful food, but for some reason the earthworms went down wrong and I cut the meeting short. Second time there was pizza. Not enough cheese but I brought an amazing grater which, frankly, saved the whole evening. And that's my point: Make America Grate Again!