Ban Straight Marriage

"Unconventional marriages may be legal next." (Chicago Tribune op-ed article, July 2, 2013)

"Gay marriage will lead to polygamy, warns former Archbishop Lord Carey." (Gaystar News, May 31, 2013)

"Dinosaurs Found on Mars." (Weekly World News, June 28, 2013)

Hi. You wrote a column about how repealing DOMA will lead to legalized polygamy. That's coo. Whatevs.

I don't want to drag more attention to you and the Tribune. So I won't link to your article and I'll only call you D.B. They're not only your initials, but they reflect my most fervent hope that like airline hijacker D.B. Cooper and "Cutting Edge" star D.B. Sweeney, you'll vanish into thin air, never to be seen again.

(Mr. Sweeney, come back. You were wonderful in "Eight Men Out.")

Now, columnist D.B., I'm sure the Internet has thrilled at the incisive, and I can only hope satirical, wit you displayed in past Chicago Tribune blog entries like "Media bend over for same-sex marriage" (clever) and "Screw Judy Blume."

In the latter, I enjoyed both your praise of book-banning and your repeated assertion it's spelled "Bloom."

But I'm cherry-picking, much like a commenter spoke against in your 2009 column, "The 'Birthers' Have a Point."

I just wanted to say that I have read your argument that gay marriage will open the door to a world in which, in your words, "the polyamorists, polygamists and any other poly relationship that you can (or don't want to) imagine also should be legalized, sanctified, endorsed and praised."

You're right.

Yes, you're right. As surely as I'm sitting here smoking rock after rock of crack cocaine because of the 1933 Cullen-Harrison Act (legalizing alcohol with a content of 3.2 percent by weight and wine of similarly low alcohol content), you are correct.

Yes, allowing two people to visit each other in the hospital and inherit property will inevitably lead to trios, quads, and quinticepticillion polyationships of constant cock-waggling at an endless array of gleaming and legally sanctified orifices.

Yes, the slippery slope is a thing. Because laws work like that and a speed limit of 70 means go 85.

But you don't go far enough. Don't you care? Don't you want to protect us? Don't you want to cut this scourge off at the source?

Ban straight marriage.

It's the only path. If opening the door to gay marriage will let all this occur, shut the door at the source. It's "Adam and all these animals he had to name," not "Adam and Eve"!

Straight marriage (or "other-sex marriage" to the NPR liberals) has wrought nothing but havoc on this world of ours.

Hitler? Product of a straight-sex marriage.

Pol Pot? Oh, his parents were flaming heterosexuals.

The breaking up of the Beatles? Product of a straight-sex marriage. Thanks, Yokobama!

In fact, if you look at the historical record, every one of history's greatest monsters, from Pol Pot to D.B. Sweeney's groundbreaking turn as Goetz in the CBS series "Jericho," has been the product of an other-sex union.

It's OK, D.B. I understand that not all people have the upstanding moral high ground that I do. If you're still blinded by the creeping hetero agenda, I forgive you.

I mean, I would hate to have anyone think I was jumping on a deliberately contrarian opinion so I could cynically parade backwards thinking in order to reap the attention and hits of a rightfully angered online audience.

I would hate anyone to think that I was deliberately throwing bombs in the public forum to draw attention to my blog (, a 21st-century take on "The Front Page" author Ben Hecht's groundbreaking 1920s Chicago Daily News column).

And luckily, I'm not one of those people who might ask the question, "So what's wrong with a poly relationship?" I mean, that's what gave us Wonder Woman.

So, my condolences, D.B. It's a sorry day for those of us who know our own personal moral choices need to be reflected in legal jurisprudence or they don't mean anything.

But just remember that when the Supreme Court legally recognizes marital bliss between consenting, possibly cock-waggling adults, that if you have partaken of the unholy sin of other-sex unions, well...

It's probably your fault.