Things You Will NEVER Hear at a Band Sound Check

If you've played in a working band, you've been through the routine a thousand times. Pull in at a club, haul your gear in, set up and hope you have time to check the sound before downbeat. Below is a list of things no participant at a sound check said. Ever.

From the band leader:
  • The levels are perfect! Wow, that didn't take long!
  • Whatever it says on the sound plot I sent you is exactly what we need.
  • No worries, we can skip the sound check. I trust you to get it right on the fly.
  • No thanks. I don't drink.
From the singer:
  • My mic is too hot. Can you turn it down?
  • I can't hear enough lead guitar.
  • Too much reverb!
  • No thanks. I don't drink.
From the guitarist
  • Of course I can play quieter.
  • Turn up the singer's mic. She's our real focal point.
  • The drums need to be louder. MUCH louder.
  • No thanks. I don't drink.
From the drummer
  • Yeah, that was me speeding up. Sorry.
  • Wait. I need to check my charts.
  • No thanks. I don't drink.
From the bass player
  • Thanks for adjusting the amp while I was gone. It sounds way better now.
  • Hey, can someone get these groupies outta here?
  • No thanks. I don't drink.
From the sound crew:
  • The sound plot you emailed last month? I have it right here.
  • We'll be happy to help you load in.
  • Wow, thanks. I could really use your help running the board.
  • Take as long as you like to get your guitar sound perfect
  • Go ahead and move the mic's wherever you want them.
  • No thanks. I don't drink.
From the club owner:
  • No problem if your crowd doesn't show, our regulars usually fill the house.
  • Of course, drinks are free for your girlfriends/boyfriends too.
  • Play for however long you want. We'll pay you for the extra time.
  • Thank you.