"Bankrupt & Clap-Ridden": The Ultimate 'Dear Abbey' Letter From Jack-Ass America

Dear Abby,

I am so confused and I don't know what to do.

For 8 years I was married to a guy who left me in a very bad way. He seemed so charming when I first met him in 2000. He had a Texan swagger and a crinkly smile. He seemed so much more dynamic than the boy scout type from Tennessee who was chasing after me at the same time.

The guy I finally hitched up with had given up drinking (which he'd done as a youngster -- only up to the age of 40) and had surrendered his life to Jesus, riding his mountain-bike and clearing brush. He also liked the music of Billy Ray Cyrus and barbecuing doves that he had personally shot with the guns his Poppy purchased for him. What could be more appealing than all that?! I'd hit the jackpot!

Well he turned out to be a complete fraud... a dry-drunk who treated me like dirt. After 8 long years I found that he'd squandered all my hard-earned savings from the previous 8 years, put me in enormous debt and had given me the biggest dose of clap in the history of the world.

Fortunately I then found a really nice young guy. African-American and really smart. He treated me with respect and said that he could help me rebuild my life if I was patient and hard-working. And if I gave up expecting money for nothing and instant results.

He explained to me that it had taken me 8 years to become so deeply bankrupt and so totally infected and that it would probably take a good 4 years and maybe more to slowly but surely return to the very healthy state I'd been in before I had my bad 8-year relationship.

He also cautioned me that these things always take time to fix and not to be tempted by naysayers seeking to exploit my natural God-given right as a God-fearing American to expect and demand instant results -- especially as it was such "thinking" that got me into such dire straits in the first place.

So here's my dilemma.

This November the wonderful new guy who has been trying so hard to help me this last couple of years -- badly needs my help in supporting some of his pals who are a vital part of my recovery.

But the trouble is I'm still deeply in debt and I still have the clap. And for some reason, part of me really misses the guy who treated me like a doormat and crapped all over me repeatedly for 8 years.

One very intelligent person called Karl -- who I met last night in a Fox News Channel chat-room -- has told me that absolutely the best way to get rid of the clap would be to have wild rampant sex with as many of the old friends of my ex-husband as possible. To spend the next 2 years letting them do to me exactly what my ex-husband did to me for 8 years -- and that this would definitely get rid of my colossal dose of clap.

He also told me that following this course would get me out of debt and that within a couple of years I would be exceedingly rich, thin, tan and cellulite-free without having to do any work, do any exercise, wear any stupid SPF products or give up chocolate, pasta, sugar or fatty fried foods. He obviously knows what he's talking about.

On the other hand, a longtime friend of mine who went to university and graduate school and who is a PHD with an IQ of over 200, has very patiently explained to me that I'm utterly dumb, gullible and lacking any sense or understanding that it was my own stupid behavior in trusting my ex-husband and his cronies for 8 years that got me into trouble. My friend reminded me that I had promised faithfully to give my new guy at least 4 years before I judged him and that I am just devoid of brain cells if I seriously thought that a disease that was given to me over an 8-year period would clear up in just two years.

My friend also says that my wanting to have incessant unprotected sex with all the closest cronies of the man who got me into this mess -- all of whom think and behave exactly the same way as he did -- only shows that I'm a twit of the highest order and that my ADD is even worse than my clap.

So what shall I do this November?

Should I support the pals of the new guy who has been working so hard to rescue me -- and who are vital to my recovery?

Or should I sleep around for the next few years with all the cronies of the guy who stole all my money and gave me the biggest dose in history?

It's so hard to know what is the smart thing to do!


"Bankrupt & Clap-Ridden" (aka Jack-ass America)