(NEW YORK) Just hours after slugger Manny Ramirez was suspended for using a banned substance, Major League Baseball said it will cease operations for 50 days after discovering that every single player was on steroids.
"It's unprecedented, but necessary for the good of the game," said baseball commissioner Bud Selig, who was also banned for regularly gargling with HGH. "No one wants to watch baseball until July anyway. These early games don't mean crap."
The league was tipped off to the widespread steroid use after photos showed members of the Toronto Blue Jays, Seattle Mariners and Chicago White Sox shopping at a Steroids R Us store in downtown Baltimore.
"As soon as that store opened, I knew it was going to be trouble," said Washington Nationals manager Manny Acta. "I told our guys to stay away because, I mean, they don't sell hookers or amphetamines there, only steroids, so if you go in, you're looking for trouble."
Ramirez was suspended Thursday for 50 days after taking medication given to him by his private physician, Dr. George Nichopoulos.
"He gave me a medication and I took it blindly because being a top athlete in this age of steroids, I never read what is in anything people give to me. I just assume it will not be in violation because there's no sense in being any more careful now than in the days when I could take steroids freely. God bless America," Ramirez said in a statement issued by the players union.
A member of the union who requested anonymity said it would appeal the league-wide suspensions because nowhere in the contract does it state that players can't use steroids or other body enhancements.
The rep admitted, however, that he had never actually read the contract.
"I'm too pumped on steroids to read," he said. "Keepin' it real."
MLB stadiums will go dark after tonight's games. Yankee Stadium, which is used to empty seats given its outrageous prices, will not be affected.