Bastard Business (or Top Tips on How to be a Thoroughly Crap Leader)

We don't believe in being average and we work with Creative Leaders to help them be the best they can possibly be. Most of the leaders we work with are great. They're human, engaging, inclusive, empowering, open-minded and fun but we do still come across those who are determined to remain in the past, and are even determined to celebrate their 'inner bastard'.

So, because we don't believe in average, we thought we should help those leaders who wish to do the 'wrong' things, and to stand out and be better known for being as bad as they can be.

If you are one of these types, here are 10 top tips to make sure that you are at the top of your game and that all those around you have a miserable time:

1. It's all about you

Ego-based leadership is who you are. You need the nicer office, the bigger car, the tickets to the football in the lovely corporate box; this is what makes you tick. After all you are highly competitive with everyone else and would happily stab everyone in the back as long as it gets you what you want.

So sod the company! Screw your work mates! This is about winning and it's going to be you that wins!

2. Be like jelly

If your people are too certain about what you want and where the company is going, they might have a chance of actually delivering it. If you never commit to anything for very long, you will always keep them nervous and worrying about their jobs.

If you put a new strategy in place, you must make sure that, within six weeks, you very visibly act against it so that they all start scratching their heads and become thoroughly confused. A confused workplace will look to you for direction and therefore you will remain King.

3. Use your position

When things get tough, tell your people the answer and explain that that's why you get paid the big bucks.

All employees love to hear their bosses beating their chests and showing off their muscle by demonstrating that they have the final call and that they will make the decision (regardless of the opinion of others).

4. Anonymous feedback

Only give people feedback on an annual basis and make sure that the source of the feedback is totally anonymous. By doing so, you keep your people in the dark for most of the year and then deliver the killer punch when you have the most power. This allows you to be judge and jury.
If your people start to manage their own development and feel confident enough to know how well they are doing, it is likely that you will soon be out of a job. Never risk this. Keep them feeling small and you will continue to win.

5. Inner circle of 'yes men'

Those closest to you should never be a threat. Make sure that your inner circle are all your cronies and will do everything they can to keep you happy and protect your position.

To keep them on your side, collect dirt on each and every one of them and every now and again remind them that their 'ass' is yours. This is the best strategy to keep a team feeling cosy.

6. Be the hero

You only keep your job by delivering year in year out. How you deliver is unimportant, as long as it happens. After all, everybody who works for you is purely there to make you look good, so take the credit for anything that bubbles up within your organisation.

Where real talent and creative genius produce something special, jump quickly to make it yours so that you become the hero and you have the chance to control the rather dangerous people who are doing good work in your place. No one likes a smart ass.

7. Be late

There is nothing that demonstrates your position of power like turning up late to everything. You know people have to wait for you, so make them. After all your time is way more valuable than everybody else's so show them who's boss by being as rude about your time management as possible.

Whilst they are waiting, maybe they can have a little networking time for which I'm sure they would be grateful. After all little people like to hang out with little people; let them have a party.

8. Annoy people

When people are stressed and nervous you have the best opportunity to really piss them off. So if somebody is presenting their big project to you, and it is the finale of months of blood sweat and tears, then change the agenda at the last minute.

With all their pent-up angst ready to erupt, your misdirection is certain to keep them on their toes. These big projects will often result in them becoming the hero, by stealing their energy you can once again regain control and put them back in their place. If you do have to listen to their big presentation ensure that you look bored, leave the room half way through for a pee or start up a side conversation.

Giving them your full attention may give them the wrong impression.

You are amazing; they are not.

9. Brag

You have an amazing life that you have created through your street-fighting style, it's important that everyone knows about it. So take more holidays than you should in very expensive places and then tell everyone about it.

While on business trips, make sure everyone knows that you only ever turn left on the plane and yet be sure to make them turn right.

Drop into conversation how you were having a barbecue with the CEO this weekend and that he has some very big plans for 'you' (nudge nudge, wink wink). By elevating yourself from your team, it helps them remember who they really are; your foot soldiers and nothing more.

10. Be right, always

Never make a decision without evidence. Business is science and therefore the more research we can do, the better we are at making decisions.

Do not be comfortable with flimsy numbers, you have to be so rigorous that no one can ever catch you out because you always have to be right.

Keep people working on weekends and get them to cancel holidays before a big leadership meeting. In fact, get them to drop everything quite regularly with the sole purpose of making sure you are bullet-proof and then they'll always remember what business is all about -- You, Winning.

If any of the above has an air of familiarity, then you are the reason that I am still so busy.

We congratulate you 'crap leaders' and we, at Upping Your Elvis, salute you!