Batman v Superman (Spoiler Warning) Sucked

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (spoiler warning) sucked. And there are other spoilers included here, too. So if you haven't seen the movie yet... don't.

Director Zack Snyder accomplished what bullying, vegetables, and regular trips to the dentist failed to do; he ruined my childhood.

Despite negative reviews from the critics, the movie has already made hundreds of millions of dollars. But sometimes the critics are right. The critics also hated third-world famine, Joseph Stalin, and tuberculosis. But the difference is that Batman v Superman is much, much worse.

In Gone Girl, Ben Affleck played a dull, clueless, amoral, idiotic thug who spends the entire film being manipulated. In Batman v Superman, Ben Affleck plays a dull, clueless, amoral, idiotic thug who spends the entire film being manipulated... while wearing a Batman suit.

Batman is supposed to be a brilliant detective. But in Batman v Superman, Batman doesn't find the Kryptonite. Lex Luthor does. Batman steals it. Batman doesn't find out about the existence of other super beings. Lex Luthor does. And Batman steals the information. It reminds me of the time Sherlock Holmes took out the bad guys with a gun and then instead of gathering clues on his own, he just ripped off Moriarty's notepad.

Batman is supposed to be of keen insight and a brilliant mind. I know. I've read the comic books. I've seen other Batman movies. But in Batman v Superman, Batman prepares to fight a God-like indestructible super alien by... doing pull-ups. When Donald Trump says, "I'm going to defeat ISIS," I sort of feel like this is his plan.

In the comic books, on television, in other films, in animated series, Gotham City and Metropolis are distinct and unique. In Batman v Superman, the two cities are indistinguishable from one another and they appear to be about a half-a-mile apart, separated by a lake. It's sort of like if Batman was the dark knight of Oakland. And you asked him, "But Batman, can't you help the people of San Francisco, too? I mean, it's a fifteen minute drive." "But I'm the dark knight of Oakland." It makes you wonder why Batman owns a plane.

I remember seeing Marvel's The Avengers for the first time. You could feel the energy in the theater. The crowd roared with laughter and applause during about a dozen different scenes. During Batman v Superman, I sat in a completely packed, completely lifeless theater. People watched the movie in the same way you look at your friends' family vacation pictures on the Internet- joylessly, with a soul-crushing dead-eyed gaze, and with no emotional connection to what's on the screen. Hulk smash... this crappy movie. Please.

Superhero movies are supposed to be fun. That doesn't mean they have to be funny. That doesn't mean the colors have to be bright. But they're supposed to be fun. Real life is hard. These films are escapist. We watch these movies for the fantasy, the excitement, for the geeky fanboy giddiness. When Superman confronts Batman... well, did you see the scene in The Revenant when Leonardo DiCaprio gets mauled by a bear? Yeah, it's sort of like that.

Being a fan of the genre, my favorite part of the movie was when the other superhero cameos were revealed. There's the Flash! So basically, by far the most exciting moment in the film was a quick teaser for future movies. It's like, yeah, my favorite scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 is when they threw a trailer for Ghostbusters in the middle.

Yes, it's just a movie. I shouldn't get so riled up. But, to be fair, I did pay to see it. What's a good analogy that might make a non-fan understand? Okay- how about this... let's say that you just spent sixty dollars on a new pair of sneakers, but the sneakers were played by Jessie Eisenberg, doing some unbearably annoying, schizophrenic version of his character from The Social Network, whose fiendish plot is to destroy the world for reasons that made no logical sense. Note to filmmakers: Lex Luthor is not Mark Zuckerberg. And Zuckerberg's invention of Facebook was a much more practical way to annihilate civilized society.

In Superman IV: the Quest for Peace, the worst superhero movie of all time up until two weeks ago, Lex Luthor has a bratty jerk of a nephew with stupid hair named Lenny. I just figured it out! Batman v Superman is a nod to the late eighties. Jessie Eisenberg is playing Lenny.

As in Man Of Steel, in which he envisioned Kryton as a glum, ugly planet where Russell Crowe rides a flying dinosaur, director Zack Snyder's Batman v Superman Superman is devoid of purpose or personality. At point, he is about to defend himself during Congressional hearings. The audience is finally going to get a glimpse of the real Superman. But before he utters a word, Lenny Luthor blows the building up... for reasons I don't quite understand... and then Batman, the world's greatest detective, is unable to solve the crime.

At one point in the film, Bruce Wayne tells Superman's alter-ego Clark Kent, "Every time your hero saves a cat out of a tree, you write a puff piece editorial." I suspect audiences would've preferred to actually see Superman saving a cat out of a tree... instead of boring us with endless dream sequences.

Yes, the movie made a lot of money. But that doesn't mean people liked it. It only means they paid to see it. I paid to see it. I didn't like it. Oh, I can tolerate plot holes and incoherent storytelling and a lack of character development and long set-ups without any payoff and the key point of the film depending on the randomness of two women having the same first name... but did the movie have to be so depressing? This is the Justice League, not 12 Years a Slave... which, coincidentally, describes how it felt to watch Batman v Superman.

And, yet, I'll probably see the next DC Comics movie, too. Because that's what I do. I give crappy movies my money. Don't judge me. Hey, if you don't like the air, then don't breathe it.

There. Got that off my chest. Wheh! Oh, but I did like the Batman fight scene in the warehouse. And the music was cool.