It might just be algorithmic bias, but I feel like I've been seeing more and more stories lately about people losing their cool on planes. From airlines bloodying their customers to passengers embroiled in fisticuffs, it's starting to look as though flying is the latest hotbed for dysfunctional interactions.
On a recent flight of mine, the ordinarily boring boarding ritual was interrupted by a real-life version of the crazy behavior I've been seeing on the Internet. I was on the airline famous for not assigning seats, and a disagreement arose a few rows ahead of me over the inappropriate saving of seats. Actually, "disagreement" may not be the right word. It was more like a sort of one-sided war that broke out in row 1, piercing the calm of at least the first third of the cabin.
Without getting too involved in the details, Person 1 suddenly began loudly and obscenely berating Person 2 for something relating to the seat between them. Person 2 made some defensive statements, at much lower volume and in much less colorful language. Person 1 retorted at even higher volume and even more colorfully, and so on. This back-and-forth went on for at least a few minutes, with Person 1 escalating and Person 2 staying calm but continuously engaging. It went on long enough for the flight attendant to promise to remove them both if they didn't cut it out.
As I watched it play out -- this dance of escalation and engagement -- I was struck by two things. First, the futility; rear ends were in seats, and nobody was moving. Second, how I've seen this same pattern before.
I’m sure you have too – at work, if not at the airport. All you need is someone emotionally involved in some opinion or position, and a second one who, though better able to remain calm, never quite stops provoking. The result is as predictable as it is dramatic. And while the quieter person might seem sane by comparison, the truth is everyone gets emotionally – hopefully not physically – bloodied in the process.
This raises an important question: what should you do if you’re Person 2? Person 1 is spoiling for an argument, looking for trouble. You’re caught in the crosshairs. You know you’re supposed to stay calm, you feel like you shouldn’t back down, and you don’t want to get thrown off the plane – physically, or metaphorically. What’s a sane Person 2 to do?
Well, for starters, nothing you've seen on TV will help. We've been fed hundreds of hours of role modeling the importance of the witty retort, the ultimate comeback, and the ultra-clever thing that, said just right, shuts the other person down. But it isn't real. It's a side effect of the fact that scenes and episodes and series must come to an end; they need to be tied up with neat little bows. Real-life arguments have no such requirements.
Instead, you need to extricate yourself, save your sanity, and get back to normal life. But how?
First, recognize the escalation. Usually, you’ll first notice a substantial mismatch between situation and emotion. Arguing over saved seats is the stuff of schoolyard conflict; the whole plane reaches the same destination. So while a little frustration owing to the stress of travel might be reasonable, anything more is misplaced. When Person 1 began shouting obscenities and making childish claims about “having flown a lot more miles than you” that was a giant flag of escalation. If you’re Person 2, recognizing the irrational emotion is your first step in exiting gracefully.
Second, recognize the script, and don’t be fooled into following it. Much of Person 1’s power stems from an ability to draw you in – it's natural, human, and easy to get defensive when you’re attacked. But if someone screams accusations at you of improperly saving a seat, you have plenty of options beyond "no I didn't" or "so I did, what of it?" You can ignore the conversation completely, you can give the person a complement, or you can smile and ask for the time - just to name a few. Arguments are like parties - anyone is free to invite you, but you're always free to decline.
Third, recognize your needs. What do you most want from this situation, or this person? If the answer is nothing, there's not much reason to engage. If you need cooperation, silence, or some sort of resource sharing, try to be clear with yourself about what that is, and think through how you might go about getting it. Rarely will you need to win the argument. Exchange the goal of conversational dominance for your other more practical needs. Strategies like involving other people, delaying conversations, and even making completely sideways moves (like changing the subject) all will occur to you more quickly if you’re focused on your end game rather than the other person’s provocations.
Fourth, recognize your boundaries. While your needs are desirable outcomes, your boundaries define unacceptable ones. You may find it inappropriate, for example, for someone to raise his or her voice above a certain level. If it happens, that’s a boundary being crossed. You have the option to address it, but only after you’ve recognized it. One approach is to make it the new conversation, by way of a polite but firm request. “I’m going to ask you to lower your voice, please. Would you be willing to do that?” You can be firm in having that conversation instead of the one you were having before. But even if you decide not to address it, the very recognition of your boundary will help you avoid accidentally escalating further. After all, if you’re trying to prevent raised voices, the last thing you want is to end up in a shouting match.
Finally, recognize your options. Whatever you want, whatever you request, and whatever boundaries you set, remember: the other person may not go along. Develop an idea about what your fallback position is – what you’ll do if the person won’t agree to stop crossing your boundary, won’t agree to your request, or won’t disengage. What’s your best alternative, to get closest to your desired outcome? Maybe you escalate to a manager or authority figure. Maybe you disengage and walk away. Maybe you simply delay the conversation until tempers have cooled. These options are available at the airport, and they’re even more available in the workplace. Don’t be fooled into believing that they’re not.
Are there difficult people out there? No doubt. Are you guaranteed success? Unfortunately, no. But if you can do a better job recognizing these five things – escalation, script, needs, boundaries, and options – you’ll increase the likelihood of getting what you need. You’ll also reduce your chances of getting caught in a conversational doom loop, a disagreement from which there’s no escape, and possibly even a little room with a table, two chairs, and a TSA agent who’s not at all amused.