Beauty Breaks Silence after Beast Arrest: Why Didn't You D--Bags Rescue Me?


Months after the Beast was arrested on kidnapping charges, Beauty held a press conference and broke her self-imposed silence with a direct address to her family and friends, "Why didn't you douchebags rescue me?"

When asked if possible her family and friends truly believed her stay with the Beast was consensual, Beauty rolled her eyes, "Consensual? Really? Ever hear of emotional shock? Stockholm syndrome? Trauma-induced hallucinations? I was yammering on about talking teacups and singing candlesticks for fuck's sake--how could they not know it was kidnapping!?"

Beauty did express gratitude to the neighbor who became suspicious and phoned police, leading to her release after 186 days of captivity, "If it wasn't for that guy I'd still be in a ramshackle castle while you lot were scratching your collective asses."

Beauty ended the brief conference with a message to the press, "And a special shout-out to the reporters camping on my lawn. Nothing soothes those PTSD nerves like a face full of barked questions and microphones every time you head to the Circle K for tampons and mallomars--so thanks for that."

She presented both middle fingers as she flounced off the podium.

Image: Public domain via Wikimedia Commons. "Beauty and the Beast" by Anne Anderson (1874-1931)