67 Tips For Avoiding Bedbugs In New York City

Avoid cabs. That's always rule number one.
MCT via Getty Images
  1. Avoid cabs. That's always rule number one.
  2. Avoid the subway during peak hours. Too many people.
  3. Avoid the subway late at night. Trust us.
  4. Never hold subway poles.
  5. Never sit on subway seats.
  6. Should you need to sit on a subway seat, sit at the edge of the seat to minimize the area of your body that could come into contact with bedbugs.
  7. But really, you shouldn't sit on subway seats or hold subway poles at all.
  8. Instead, position your legs at a 45-degree angle relative to the car and try your hardest to balance. Ignore the stares. They don't understand the stakes.
  9. If unable to perform the previous task, lean your pinkie finger and ring finger against one of the train-connecting doors. This will minimize your bedbug-to-you surface area.
  10. That mattress cover you bought at Bed Bath & Beyond will not save you.
  11. Believe it or not, only those uncomfortable plastic covers can save you.
  12. Just kidding. Those won't either.
  13. Pillows are a liability. Throw them out. Or better yet, don't have any at all. Life without pillows isn't so bad. Pillows are a social construction, probably.
  14. If rich, create automated payment system that delivers new sheets to you every day. Have workers burn yesterday's sheets. Create app. Become richer.
  15. If not rich, burn sheets anyway and enjoy your mattress while you still have it.
  16. Why would you ever think it was a good idea to invest in a couch?
  17. Remember, if you are short-sighted enough to let a stranger sleep in your bed for a night of so-so intimacy, you deserve bedbugs.
  18. Do not, under any circumstances, sublet your room.
  19. Why did you sublet your room?
  20. Are you a moron?
  21. If friends are in town, "joke" that should they give you bedbugs, they are obligated to take care of the problem both physically and financially.
  22. Have them sign an "ironic" legal agreement.
  23. Avoid "outside" in the summertime. That's where the bedbugs are.
  24. Never venture to areas with large bodies of water because you'll probably get a mosquito bite and honestly, that's 24 to 48 hours of thinking you have bedbugs.
  25. Avoid big parties. Someone there has bedbugs.
  26. Avoid small parties. Should someone have them, you're statistically more likely to be the one who obtains them.
  27. Avoid parties altogether.
  28. Tell your roommates to avoid parties.
  29. Avoid your roommates.
  30. Never go shopping because people with bedbugs need to go shopping too.
  31. Fear is good. Never forget that.
  32. Think of your significant other not as a lover, but as a potential haven for bedbugs.
  33. Leave your significant other. "Nothing personal, just a numbers game," you can say.
  34. Should you find a bedbug in your apartment, immediately quit your job and clear your social calendar. It's going to be quite a year.
  35. Call your friends to say goodbye. Do not tell anyone via text, email, Facebook message or Snapchat. You don't want a paper trail.
  36. Tell your landlord.
  37. Once your landlord stops returning your calls, call 311.
  38. Once 311 doesn't pick up, call a bedbug exterminator.
  39. Once the bedbug exterminator picks up, take a minute to realize that the only person you can now trust is someone who is literally around bedbugs all day every day.
  40. The exterminator will calmly say he's not able to come for five days.
  41. Realize you have five days to kill. This is the first time you will cry.
  42. Understand that if you leave your apartment, you put your fellow man at risk. Should you stay, you risk madness. The choice is yours.
  43. Toss the hamper. You're a trash-bag man or woman now.
  44. Order this 100-pack of Earthsense Recycled Star Bottom Trash Bags from Costco for the low, low price of $38.29. You will need every single one.
  45. Throw out everything and everyone you have ever loved.
  46. Put stuff you absolutely cannot throw away in one of your Earthsense Recycled Star Bottom Trash Bags. Leave the trash bags in a pile in the middle of your empty apartment. You will likely never open those bags again.
  47. Should you need to open that bag again -- for, say, clothing -- take what you need and then place that bag inside another bag. Duct tape it shut. Repeat.
  48. Still three more days until the exterminator comes. This is your life now.
  49. Ignore mom's calls and text messages. This isn't her fight to fight.
  50. Right around now, you will start to think you're not going to make it. But remember, that's likely not true.
  51. At this point, you're probably also thinking something like, "THEY COULD BE ANYWHERE. ON THE CEILING. IN THE WALLS. ON MY BODY." That is totally normal. And yes, they are on/in/around all of those places.
  52. Gently line your room with double-sided tape. Then line the area surrounding your bed (or the area of floor where you are now sleeping). The stronger, the better. What we're doing here is forming a fucking wall.
  53. Move your bed away from the walls. Obtain a few Stick-Em Pre-Baited Rat/Mouse Size Peanut Butter Scented Double Glue Trap Tray, 10" Length, and place them under each of your bed posts. Those motherfuckers aren't getting in, and they sure as hell aren't getting out. We will both go down together.
  54. Fill all holes in your apartment with expanding foam spray. No hole is too small. This will not help, but it will give you a false sense of control. That is critical.
  55. At this point, your friends will become concerned. What they don't know is that you are a genius and they are the sheep. They are all sheep.
  56. Greet the exterminator. "Hi! Thanks for coming over," you cheerfully will say. He will nod. You will both know the truth.
  57. Watch him as he sprays chemicals all over your apartment -- chemicals so dangerous they can literally kill bedbugs. Realize the best-case scenario in this situation has become you returning to your chemical-covered apartment.
  58. Cry. Let it all out.
  59. That's it.
  60. Yep.
  61. It will all be over soon.
  62. OK, that's enough.
  63. Read a blog about the joys of decluttering. This is kind of your life now!
  64. Call your friends to have a drink. Realize you are that friend with bedbugs now. You will always be that friend with bedbugs now.
  65. Call your mom to ask if you can come home. Realize you are that child with bedbugs now. You will always be that child with bedbugs now.
  66. Call your ex. If you can get anything out of this, it's giving your ex bedbugs.
  67. Leave New York forever. There is nothing here for you anymore.

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