#BeforeFacebook I Didn't Know I Was Such A Loser!

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Before Facebook existed, I had no idea how clever and smart and photogenic all of my friends were. I had no idea that the food you all cooked looked so delicious. I had no idea you knew how to cook and I had no idea you liked cheese tamales smothered in green goop. Who knew?

But what surprises me most about what I didn't know is that you and your friends and family look so young! You all have so many fewer wrinkles and you look so much younger than me despite being the same age as me. Maybe I should start on the Botox. Maybe an intravenous drip of the stuff.

I am absolutely dumbstruck by how many fun events you all go to. I thought I had a decent number of friends (the kind you actually do stuff with) and I thought I had an active social life (if you understand "active" to encompass at least a few nights home alone each week binge-watching something on TV). But it seems like you guys are out on the town all the time, eating, drinking, seeing shows and traveling the world while I'm home with the fuzzy slippers on my feet.

Those kids of yours are amazing! Not a day goes by without someone's kid getting his driver's license or going to a prom! I never see the photos of your little angel getting pulled over for speeding, though. I must have missed those!

Oh, the vacations all over the world! Dubrovnik! Petra! Dubai! It's all so glamorous and international. Did I mention that I am here at home in my slippers? Yeah, the fuzzy ones.

I have become a much better person, however, thanks to the words of wisdom you all post. From the inspirational to the downright inane, I take all of that advice to heart and try to incorporate it into my life every day. I spend so much time trying to "live each day like there's no tomorrow" and "showing gratitude" that I barely have time to eat the wonderful food I cook or photograph it or post it on Facebook. But bless you all. You all apparently have struggles I know nothing about but from what I see on Facebook, that isn't true. You are all living the life of Riley, whoever Riley is. He must be one of my *wink wink* friends.

So thank you, my friends, for being my friends and thank you for sharing every stinking detail of your glorious lives with me. Maybe someday we can meet for coffee. In the flesh. For real! And then we can post a photo of it on Facebook! Looking forward to it! Kiss kiss.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

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