Look what I just found in my mailbox! I wonder who could have written this? Hmm. Read it and decide for yourself.
WHEREAS
Be it known that, in reference to Joe Klein's comment that left-wing Democrats 'hate America,' one "blogger" hath recently written that "Anyone who wants to stand in front of this country-music-playing American and challenge his love for the United States is going to get his ass kicked ";
and
Be it further known that some commenters and emailers have suggested that the words of said "blogger" are a search for "tough guy credibility" or demonstrates an "American Taliban" attitude (while no doubt cheering Ann Coulter's talk about threatening the lives of liberals or hitting them with baseball bats, and Bill O'Reilly's suggestion that Al Qaeda bomb San Francisco);
and,
WHEREAS
Anyone who has objected to this evil and pointless war in Iraq (that is, those of us who were right all along) has been subjected to personal insult for a period of years now; including, but not limited to the following:
-we "hate America"
-we are "objectively pro-terrorist"
-we like to see soldiers die, because we want Bush to fail
-we are an "internal fifth column"
-we are "surrender loving cheese monkeys" (I'm part French)
-we are cowards
-we are stupid and immoral
-et cetera
Be It Hereby Resolved
By this Author and Whomsoever may wish to agree:
That Violenf - (the "s" letters in old documents look like "f"'s, as Stan Freberg observed. But I digress... I'll start again ...)
That Violenf in political discourse is crude, despicable (sorry - I mean defpicable), and 'tis to be avoided when'er possible;
That the exhortations to Violenf of said O'Reilly, Coulter, Dick Morris (who, as was written earlier, is "both John and Whore") et al. shall be considered repellent, and the unwillingness of so-called "conservatives" to rebuke them shall be taken as proof of their moral depravity;
Likewise the use of the "F" word by one Dick Cheney on the floor of the Senate being so rebuked by this document;
That henceforth such threats and exhortations of Violenf shall be considered a hideous vulgarity, except in the following cases:
A.When the insult is of a personal nature to one's character. Mr. Klein doesn't know me, but he insulted me just the same. To you, Sir, I throw down the glove!
B.When the face of Bigotry rears its head, including the bigotry that suggests that people who oppose this war have questionable ethics, values, or courage;
C.And, in particular, whenever anyone suggests we welcome the deaths of our soldiers - or of Iraqis. (I, for one, will meet anybody anywhere, anytime, over that one);
D.Whene'er the comment is uttered by Ann Coulter (altho' I do truly regret saying she looks like a crack whore - she's too skinny for that). My antideluvian psyche would not permit me to challenge a Woman, however, nor any Person who is clearly in such ill health;
E.Whene'er the comment is uttered by Dick Morris (the image of his paunchy body in that bathrobe as he let his hooker listen to phone calls from the President is so icky, he's lost the right to basic courtesy);
F.Being an exception:When the comment's from Loofah Boy, though, feel free to just laugh.
I therefore resolve never to tolerate insults of this nature again, and to stand firmly in defense of my honour and that of my fellow patriots. In each case, I will demand of my foe an honorable retraction. Failing that, my ethical and moral course must be decided as Honour and Integrity require. Regrettably, I cannot exclude the possibility of fisticuffs. If need be, I will demand satisfaction.
Fellow citizens, who stands with me?
Signed,
An Indignant American