Dear Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner,
Can I call you Ben and Jen? It's just that I feel like I know you. We feel like we know you. Of course, by "we" I mean "the Internet and I."
There's no point in speculating why this divorce is happening. (Although, Jen, if it's because you found out Ben's relatives owned slaves, you have to realize he's a white man in a country built on racism and that's the way probability works!) Anyway, it sounds like you guys really made it a point to have a "mindful" marriage. I'm convinced I found love using OkCupid, so what the hell do I know, but from what I've read and heard from Oprah, maintaining a marriage is hard and you two really made the effort.
So, honestly, this letter is really meant to say: get back to work.
Look, this isn't just about you. It's about your children Violet, Seraphina, Samuel and AMERICA -- which, side note, how dare you have such adorably named children and then TAKE YOUR LOVE AWAY FROM US? But, seriously, this affects each and every one of us personally. It's like you have made every single individual in the country a child of divorce, and that's pretty awful of you, because more than half the people in this country were probably children of divorce to begin with.
Jen, don't you remember when you fell in love with Ben on "Dinner for Five"? Those looks you shot him contained the passion of one hundred million burning suns. Even if you are down to, like, one hundred burning suns 10 years later, that has to be worth something.
And Ben! Don't you remember when you won your Golden Globe and immediately kissed Jen, like it was the only reasonable thing you could have done in that moment? You have some balls trying to rob us of the pure, unadulterated experience of that GIF, Ben.
And, BOTH OF YOU, what about your ALS Ice Bucket Challenge video? If that wasn't real, NOTHING IS REAL, Ben and Jen. You breaking up is like getting an ice bucket dumped over our heads, but then not even getting the opportunity to share the video of that happening on Facebook.
You are our hope, our beacon of light in an industry filled with relationships that last less time than a fly's gestation period. You are proof that the celebrities we worship are real and have hearts and that they can love each other with those hearts. Please don't shatter that illusion. We were all participating in it so actively!
We need this, Ben and Jen. We need you to continue loving each other or at least pretending to do that so we, humanity, can continue to have faith in love.
Please get back together immediately.
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