Ben Carson Proposes Ending Police Violence Against Black Men by Giving All Black Men Guns

"The only way to stop a bad cop with a gun is with a good Black man with a gun," says GOP presidential hopeful to stunned audience.

After enduring blistering attacks regarding his statement that The Holocaust could have been avoided if Germany's Jewish population had been armed, Republican presidential candidate and wealthy neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson yesterday took his First Amendment position a step further by addressing one of the most pressing issues in today's America.

"Too many innocent, unarmed Black men are being killed every day by brutal, criminal police officers who see Blackness as a crime punishable by death," Carson said to a stunned senior luncheon at the George Wallace Memorial Cafeteria in Jorkie, Alabama. "How can anyone who believes in the Second Amendment deny these men the chance to defend themselves? Since when do Americans stand by and let uniformed murders walk our streets, preying in whomever they wish?" asked Carson. "Our Founding Fathers did not give us the Right to Bear Arms so that we may settle family disputes with bloodshed - they put this right in the Constitution so that we may help our nation defend itself from external threats, and that we may defend ourselves from the violence of brutal authoritarianism!" Carson roared, to the bewilderment of his melanin-deprived audience, but to the delight of Wilson Jenkins, 87, an indentured servant whose family had been bequeathed to the center in 1869. "I thought this Carson was just another crazy, wanna-be-white fool who had taken too many of his own drugs," said Jenkins as he tugged at his ankle chain, "but finally the brother is starting to make some sense."

"We talk about self-defense," continued Dr. Carson, "but we're not talking about the self-defense of those who most need defending. We try to frighten the soccer mom into buy a Glock, or the small town home owner into getting a shotgun. Why? Statistics show that they are more likely to be killed by a friend or a spouse, and often with the very gun they bought for protection. No, if we want to get guns in the hands of those most threatened by the awful violence of relentless, murderous oppression - as the Founders intended - then we must make sure every Black man has a gun at all times, and that he is trained to use it not to settle arguments or commit petty crimes, but to defend himself, his family, and his Liberty! Only then will these most tyrannized of citizens have a fighting chance against the insane violence perpetrated against them by our racist police state."

Reaction, understandably, was mixed to Carson's statement. When reached for comment about this logical conclusion of the National Rifle Association's "defense against tyranny" position NRA president Wayne LaPierre curled up into a small ball under his desk and repeated "No comment" until he lost consciousness. Gun Rights advocate and U.S. Senator John McCain insisted to reporters that he would've loved to answer questions but had unfortunately locked himself in his car and couldn't get out, being "unable to figure out these newfangled doors." Meanwhile police departments around the country expressed trepidation about Carson's proposition. "I don't think that's the best solution to this particular problem," said Chief Glen Watson, of the Chesterville, Michigan police department. "Maybe we could just train our officers better, ya know? Train them to not see every Black man as a problem that can only be solved with a bullet. Heck, it's worth a try." Chief Becky Meyers, of Unctuous, New Jersey feels the real problem would be with the loss of fearful obedience to authority. "If we can't rely on the threat of arbitrary violence how are we supposed to get respect in our communities?" the Chief wondered. "I just don't get it."

When answering questions on FOX and Friends this morning Carson further elaborated on the need for "Revolutionary Self-Defense" against the abuses of what he called "the racist, imperialist police state."

"Blacks were not the first to feel the full, terrible force of American imperialism, and the lack of weapons to resist it," the candidate said as he adjusted his beret. "Our red brothers and sisters, armed with spear and axe, were no match for colonists who robbed and raped them. My African ancestors, dragged from their home continent did not have the benefit of guns to fight off their enslavers, or had enough - due to restrictive gun laws regarding slaves - to rise up and overthrow those who brutalized them once they were here. But today - whether Black, or Latino, Asian, or working-class Whites who have also been oppressed as Capitalists set color against color while profiting from our class disunity - if we apply the Second Amendment we can, if not right past wrongs, at least defend ourselves against current crimes, and resist this unbearable oppression." When host Brian Kilmeade attempted to continue the interview with an innocent joke about Carson's black leather jacket, the doctor interrupted with "What are you laughing at, White Man? You think I don't know where you live?" Carson then glared at Kilmeade with four hundred years of righteous anger, until the narrow-necked host defensively relieved himself on the studio couch. With a heavily-intoned "Death to the Pigs" Dr. Carson stalked out, and Elizabeth Hasselbeck quickly introduced a video segment on zucchini pancakes.