MILWAUKEE (NewS Satire)--
Democratic Presidential underdog Bernie Sanders today optimistically released his agenda for his first 100 days in office. At the top of his list: living long enough to reach Day 101.
"The imperial presidency of Barack Obama will be over," declared the 73-year old upstart. "I will usher in an era of moderation in all that I do, We will have Early-Bird State Dinners. Guests must show up by 5 pm or they pay full price. That doesn't mean I'll discontinue eating pet food for late night snacks, because Fancy Feast Gravy Lovers Beef Feast is really tasty and quite nutritious."
Sanders receives senior discounts on guns and ammunition through his membership in NRAARP.
While ordinary living concerns are important, Sanders also wants to fulfill his campaign promise to take on the big banks by bringing back the gift of a Hamilton Beach blender for a $500 deposit. "I love my Vitamix, but now it's too hard to push the pulse switch, so I need something new," explained Sanders.
White House Administrator Aaron Goodfriend is up to the challenge of another senior in the White House, he says. "We are adding grab bars in the bathtubs, easy-opening door handles and non skid mats throughout the White House. We're also converting the room above the garage to a bedroom, and will be putting in a mattress and hot plate for when Bernie gets up to pee several times in the middle of the night."
"Bernie Sanders is older than the old country," said Goodfriend. "Not only would he be the oldest person ever elected President for the first time, he'd also be the first person to run for the presidency just to get the free healthcare."
"There is only one special accommodation we will make for Sanders if he is elected, and that's about his presidential salary" explains Goodfriend. "At Bernie's request, we will pay him in cash so he can still collect Social Security."