Taste

A Blunt Ranking Of The Best And Worst Bagel Flavors

Discuss.
08/14/2017 06:00am ET
Isabella Carapella/HuffPost

We’re just going to say it: bagels are one of the best things made out of wheat. Yes, croissants are good, and so is pizza crust. But bagels, those iconic New York (and Montreal) disks of dough, are simply irreplaceable.

Of course, there are terrible bagels out there. Some say any bagel made outside of the New York City limits will be subpar. We’re not here to comment on that, but we do want to take a stand when it comes to bagel flavors.

There is only one truly great bagel out there, one that rules far above the others. All the rest are inferior, albeit sometimes necessary, stand-ins.

We ranked those inferior, yet popular, bagel flavors in order from shameful to the absolute very best. And then we crowned the best bagel flavor in the world with the number one spot.

Without further ado...

16
Birthday Cake Bagels
This is a joke, right? Please tell us this multi-colored bagel AND frosting is a cruel, cruel joke.
15
Health Grain
Bluestocking
The bagel should never be expected to be healthy. Let's all agree to let these two things live completely separate lives.
14
Rainbow
HuffPost
Ummm, what game are you playing at here?! NO. Those artificial colors are like a clown nightmare.
13
Blueberry
Bluestocking
Blueberry schmear? Sure. Blueberry bagels? No way. The fruit makes the bagel look diseased and wet, and bagels deserve better than that.
12
Whole Wheat
Bluestocking
Whole wheat makes some great bread, but bagels it does not. Stay away.
11
Cinnamon Raisin
Bluestocking
This is an acceptable choice for anyone under the age of 10. Everyone else needs to grow up and order a better bagel.
10
Oatmeal Honey Wheat
Bluestocking
Oatmeal and bagels need to stay away from each other.
9
Egg
HuffPost
Egg should be served ON the bagel, not IN the bagel dough. This one's too rich for our blood.
8
Montreal Style
Bluestocking
This is not really a flavor, but it deserves a mention. Montreal bagels are less doughy, sweeter because they're boiled in honey and crisper because they're baked in wood fired oven. To them we say, "Nice try, but no dice."
7
Poppy Seed
Bluestocking
Fine. We'll eat it, but we won't be happy about it. The crunch is good, but the picking the seeds out of your teeth not so much. Plus, it could cause you to fail a drug test because the seeds do come from the same flower used to make opium.
6
Sesame
Bluestocking
Acceptable.
5
Onion
Bluestocking
Yes, yes, yes to all that savory flavor, but it just reminds us of what we're missing out on ...
4
Asiago
Bluestocking
Cheese on top of cheese? Yes, please.
3
Pumperknickel
Bluestocking
Pumperknickel bagels are the only bagels allowed to deviate from the norm when it comes to the base flavor. Why? Because they taste 100 percent awesome.
2
Plain
Bluestocking
A classic. It's just missing something, something like... onion, poppy seed, sesame seed and caraway seed.
1
Everything
Bluestocking
YESSSSSS!THIS is the only bagel that makes sense. It's unapologetically bold, bursting with flavor and makes every breakfast sandwich feel like a rockstar.