As someone with clinical depression, the holiday season is particularly burdening. I feel the overwhelming sense that everyone around me is having “the most wonderful time of the year,” while to me, yuletide feels like a monsoon of pressure, isolation and lying in bed thinking about the chores I’m not doing and the parties I’m not invited to.
If a person in your life has depression (either clinical or seasonal), you may want to give them a little extra tenderness this time of year. “It’s very difficult when you have depression, to respond to the mandate to be ‘holly jolly,’” LeslieBeth Wish, a licensed clinical psychotherapist in Sarasota, Florida and author of “Training Your Love Intuition,” told HuffPost. “And it’s everywhere. You walk into your local pharmacy, they’ve got Christmas decorations up. All kinds of things are red and green. ‘Happy holidays’ feels like a command.”
As Wish described, the holiday season comes with an overwhelming pressure to be merry, spend money and go to all sorts of social engagements. If your loved one lost their job during the COVID pandemic or doesn’t have the capacity to attend large gatherings, they may feel even more isolated or judged in the winter.
“All the advertisements on TV are for expensive things,” Wish said. “But what if you can’t afford it? What if they can’t get out of the house?”
To take the pressure off your loved one, and to make them feel more connected this season, Wish suggested being very explicit and affirming. Let them know you don’t expect them to be running the Christmas parade. Remind them it’s OK to feel their feelings and that they don’t have to perform happiness. Check-in with them during the day, if only to say hi or send a picture of your lunch. And ensure them that gift-giving isn’t transactional and that you don’t expect or demand anything back in return.
In addition to kind words, Anita A. Chlipala, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Chicago, recommended initiating low-key hangouts to nix any holiday FOMO.
“People with depression can have distorted thinking,” Chlipala told HuffPost. “And so they might be making the assumption that ‘everybody else is happy except for me.’”
When all they see is laughter, lavish gifts and twinkle lights on social media, someone with depression may start to feel like they’re a Scrooge or Grinch for not being in the “Christmas spirit.” If your loved one is not up for parties or events, consider making cookies at home or watching something fun on TV.
And if you’re looking to nail the perfect present for your loved one with depression, Wish suggested keeping an open mind. Don’t be fooled by outdated conceptions of gift-giving — yummy takeout or help around the house are great presents for someone with depression. Handwritten notes, photo books or other sentimental gifts show your person how loved they are. (They also don’t add any of that “I spent all this money on you, what are you getting me?” pressure.)
To ensure your gift is well-received, Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist in Santa Rosa, California and author of “Joy from Fear,” said there are some things you want to stay away from.
“Avoid gifts that may increase a sense of expectation or feelings of worthlessness,” Manly told HuffPost. “Pre-paid solo gym memberships, a framed photo that might carry a negative memory, books that have a depressive energy or any gift that the depressed person may find triggering or take as an insult.”
Amelia Peck, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Hamburg, New York, added that people who are struggling with mental health often don’t feel seen or understood. While you may have intended a new yoga mat or “stress-reducing anti-puffiness” face mask to be soothing to your loved one, they may see these gifts as criticizing their body or lifestyle. Instead of trying to “fix” them or “improve” their lives, Peck suggested giving gifts that are just nice, kind things that will make them smile.
“Gifts are about showing love for others, and we can love someone by showing them empathy for what they’re going through,” she said.
To help you be the most informed gift giver this holiday season, we’ve rounded up the best expert-approved gifts for people with depression.
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"Gifts that help them remember good times or look forward to something in the future are positive ways to help loved ones shift their mindset," said Grace Huntley, a psychotherapist at Grace Huntley Counseling in New York.
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"You don't want to say, 'I know that it's tough for you,'" Wish said. "You don't want to sound like you are better than the person or luckier than the person."
Has your loved one been meaning to hang some artwork in their living room? Declutter the linen closet? Sort the dreaded junk drawer? Instead of putting them on the spot or criticizing their housekeeping ability, Wish suggested sharing a chore they've been putting off, then finding a way to make it fun.
"Normalize it," Wish said. "Say, 'It's the holiday season, I feel really stressed. I wish I had a good friend to help me with those thankless chores. I can bring some sandwiches, we can turn on some music and make it not so awful.'"
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This gift box has all of that and more. It includes "The Little Book of Hygge," loose-leaf tea, Swiss hot chocolate, a fancy chocolate bar, cozy socks, a mug, a floral candle and a reusable wooden crate.
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"There's a lot of research that shows that physical activity increases the feel-good chemicals," Chlipala said. "Go do a yoga class or spin class together, go for a hike or picnic in the woods or something like that."
If your loved one has mentioned wanting some accessories or equipment, like a yoga mat or a new water bottle, getting them those things shows that you're listening. This particular option has 7,682 five-star reviews and is great to carry out of the house.
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Instead of something with a set date or time limit, Wish suggested making a "coupon" with no expiration to do something fun when they feel able.
"They don't know when they're going to be 'up for it,'" Wish said. "With depression, you have good days and bad days. Give a friend the option, 'You can call me at the last minute if you're having a good day.'"
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"I'm a big believer in having a distraction," Chlipala said. "Baking together or cooking. Say, 'Hey, I'm coming over and bringing ingredients for cookies!'"
While you may want to have a wine night, Chlipala suggested sticking to tea or cocoa. "Stay away from alcohol," she said. "That can contribute to feelings of depression."
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Manly suggested giving your loved one some "mood-boosting music," or crafting them a playlist you'd really think they'd like. This present is great because they can enjoy it on their own time and don't have to do that "put the sweater you just got on right now and pretend that you love it" thing your pushy aunt used to make you do.
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"Those suffering from depression do best when they are allowed to be authentically themselves, rather than struggling to smile or pretend they feel cheery," she said. "In essence, if expectations to 'perform' are lifted, those who suffer from depression often experience a great deal of relief."
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If your loved one is not up for an in-person show, Chlipala suggested watching one on demand or sharing funny videos from the web.
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"What if they can't get out of the house?" Wish said. "What if it's a store that normally they were a size something or other but now they're not, so they don't want to go? I'm a big fan of Amazon gift cards with a private note."
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Writing your loved one a list of your favorite things about them or making little notes with nice things, gives them something to read when they're feeling low. With this kit, you can choose to write your messages on mini greeting cards or long note cards each with little envelopes or in a prompted journal.
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If music has always been a source of joy for your loved one, they may love doing some caroling, even just with friends in their own house. This is a vintage-inspired book of Christmas carols, sure to bring some cheer.
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"People think that gift cards are lazy gifts. But sometimes they're the most respectful gift," Wish said.
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"Stay away from anything that implies you're trying to fix them," she said. "Ask them what they'd like as a gift."
"I had a client whose depression kept them from being able to sleep soundly," Peck continued. "They asked their family for a weighted blanket that ended up being very helpful."
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Wish added if they don't live near you or really aren't up for IRL company, watch a movie together over Zoom or text as you're watching the same movie.
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"If they get one day of energy in a week, that's really good for them," Wish said. "So you might want to say, 'On days that you have to go out, let me take you, and let's use that as a time to meet for breakfast or lunch."
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If you're on the fence, consider giving them just a nice leather journal that they can write in and express themselves however they feel.
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"Just something where you just get that little kick," she said.
For a FaceTime that lasts forever, give them a framed picture of your little one (or pet) that will make them smile whenever they see it. Most drug stores, like CVS and Rite Aid, have photo centers where you can instantly print photos for around 33 cents each.
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Depression alters your sense of reality, Wish added. Your loved one may not realize how much you care or what they mean to you. Sitting down and writing a letter really detailing your feeling can help them feel connected and loved.
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"Be specific about what kind of activities you could do, whether it's one on one or in a group," she said. Would your friend want to have a DIY spa night? Get specific with your options and clear on what will be expected of them (i.e. "You can wear sweatpants, I will bring everything over and we don't have to invite anyone we don't like.")
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