This week I needed a good laugh so -- I asked my girlfriends if they had any good jokes. Oh yes, of course they had -- but alas, the painful search and rescue joke retrieval debacle routine began:
"I can't remember the punch line; I can only remember the punch line... I heard a great one last night-- but I totally forgot."
Ok ladies, listen up -- I'm not above printing out a good joke and carrying it around with me. My neighbor came over one night with his guitar, started strumming away and telling jokes between the "C" chord and the "G" chord. We were so so impressed until we realized he was reading from a joke book (he had a page ripped out tucked into his pocket that he kept sneaking a peak at). Well after we "busted" him -- we thanked him for making us all laugh so hard.
Hey -- whatever it takes to serve up some humor -- lighten our load -- get a good belly laugh going -- We're all for it.
If you like any of these jokes -- please email them -- like this page -- share them with your friends -- and if you got a good one you want to share -- please post it in the comment section below.
**An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?" "Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose wiener is on his face."**
**Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96-year-old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?" "You dern fool," said the 94-year-old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."**
**The first Jewish President calls his mother in Florida: "Ma -- I'm having the first Passover at White House -- You're coming of course"
Ma: "I've got dietary issues -- I have a special diet"
Son: "Ma you know I have a chef at the White house -- you can have whatever you want."
Ma: "Well, but you know I don't fly, I don't like all the germs and all those kids, and the seats are too small."
Son: "Ma, you know I have Air Force One -- I'll come pick you up, you'll have your own airplane."
Ma: "Oh that's nice -- But I really don't like hotels, all the bedbugs these days -- I like a good clean bed and hard mattress."
Son: "Well Ma, You can sleep in the Lincoln Room"
Ma: "Well Ok then, I'll come." (she hangs up the phone)
Next her friend Edith calls and says, "So, what are you doing for Passover?"
Ma: "I'm going to my son's"
Edith: "Oh the Doctor?"
Ma: "No the other one."**
**What's a cross between a penis and a potato? A dick-tater**
**What's a cross between a computer and an ape? A Harry Reasoner**
**Three men died, but before God would let them into heaven, God gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted. The first guy said, "I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter." So God made him 100 times smarter. The second guy said, "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter." So God made him 1000 times smarter. The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said, "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter." So God made him a woman.**
**When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next.
Finally, Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,
"Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness."**
Read more from Better After 50:
Earlier on Huff/Post50:
