Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

My children's new year's resolution appears to be to mash up crackers and leave crumbs in every room of the house.

— Sarah Kelber (@sarahkelber) January 1, 2014

Someday when he's older I hope my son cooks me a meal and when he does I'm going to look at him and throw it all on the floor, bit by bit.

— Claire Zulkey (@Zulkey) January 4, 2014

I lead by example for my kids. So, when teaching them sparkler safety, I burned the shit out of my finger. Now they know not to do that.

— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) January 3, 2014

"Mom, why do you have a chicken butt on your head?" is just one example of the many questions I won't be answering today.

— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) January 3, 2014

My kids don't like my delicious baked macaroni and cheese but will ask for the junk in the box. This can't be life.

— Elita (@ElitatheLibra) January 4, 2014

No
Shhhhh
Ugh
Get away from me
You're adopted
Time for bed

-things I said to my kids this morning

— Floyd (@dafloydsta) January 5, 2014

It is now time for the festival of maternal sighing & wondering why no one will help, also known as "Taking Down the Tree".

— Julianna Miner (@mommylandrants) January 3, 2014

Have a toddler -

Because it's fun to groom someone against her will.

— Kathy Cooperman (@Kathy_Cooperman) December 18, 2013

Me: Hold your horses.

3-year-old: I don’t have any horses.

Me: That’s not what I mean.

3: Don't be mean to horses.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 3, 2014

Which is more amusing a) your child walks out of a car and into the airport with only one shoe on b) your husband doesn't notice

— Ellen Seidman (@LoveThatMax) January 1, 2014

Sippy cups. All vessels should be like sippy cups. Open but spill proof at the same time. By gosh I will crack this in 2014

— Farhad Manjoo (@fmanjoo) January 1, 2014

Me: "I love you very much."
4yo (head butting my stomach): "I RHINO you very much!"

— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) January 1, 2014

The good news is that I won. The bad news is that I was playing Candyland against my son.

— Melissa Sher (@thismelissasher) December 31, 2013

*3am*
4yo: *kicks open our bedroom door*
Wife and I: *know better than to move or talk*
4yo:
Us:
4yo:
Us:
4yo: NEVERMIND!
*slams door shut*

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 2, 2014

If school's out for 3 weeks and you only have 10 days' worth of patience, good cheer and craft projects, how much "Sam & Cat" is acceptable?

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) January 2, 2014

I just said, "I'm your mother, not your servant," and somewhere my mom fell into convulsions of gleeful laughter.

— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) January 2, 2014

I like to carry a child with small hands with me in case of Pringles.

— Carbosly (@Carbosly) January 2, 2014

My son keeps calling me "Sandwich Guy" and I have no idea if he means it as an insult or praise.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 3, 2014

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don't know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it's not.

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) January 3, 2014

"I didn't just spend enough time with my kids over the two week break. How about a snow day?" Said no mother ever.

— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) January 3, 2014

My 3yo: "Just because it's 2014 doesn't mean haters are going to stop hating."

— Daddy (@daddyslilmiracl) January 2, 2014