Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Mornings would be easier if the school bus driver would agree to circle the block a few times while my kid looks for his shoes.— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) March 19, 2014
Sex Ed for teenagers should include trying to get 2 kids ready for school in the morning.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) March 19, 2014
Me: I got the kids dressed.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2014
Wife: Our toddler is wearing one sock. And one shoe. And they’re not even on the same foot.
If your toddler hands you something and you have to ask, "Why is this wet?" it's safe to assume you don't really want to know.— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) March 18, 2014
Don't think a 2 year old won't tell on you— Elita (@ElitatheLibra) March 17, 2014
There are two types of parents: those who admit to playing fetch with their toddler, and liars.— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) March 16, 2014
My 5-year-old just seriously asked if his grandmother was born with her glasses on her face.— Kelley (@KelleysBreakRm) March 16, 2014
There's a place in hell for people who buy out all the Frozen toys and resell them on eBay. And "Let It Go" is on an infinite loop there.— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) March 18, 2014
Her: I know how to spell "Olaf."— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) March 20, 2014
Me: Yeah? How?
Her: 2 Rs, a P and a D.
Me: That's probably incorrect.
Her: There is also a 5 in there.
7yo: That would be awesome if it was actually raining cats and dogs. Free cats and dogs for like 20 minutes!!— inappropriate mom (@nicfit75) March 21, 2014
Good point, son.
82% of parenting is making sure your kids don't do something fatal today
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) March 21, 2014
I’m always bitching about our high cable bill but if you think about it, 100+ dollars a month ain’t bad for a full-time babysitter.— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) March 19, 2014
To use our family's new kid safe f-word substitute: Park this weather. I am so parking over it. Park! *shakes fist at sky*— sarahdessen (@sarahdessen) March 18, 2014
"Do you like dicks, mommy?"— Lady E (@cakevans) March 18, 2014
"Do you like sticks?"
Ooohhh. Umm, sure.
I just got my hair cut and the guy was like 'what shampoo do you use?' and I was like 'suave 2 in 1 for kids' and he stuttered.— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) March 20, 2014
4yo: "Mum, you can't skip now you're old can you?"
— Twitflup (@Twitflup) March 19, 2014
There's going to be a hungry 3yo in Los Angeles today if she insists on not eating last night's leftovers because it's now "used food."— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) March 21, 2014
My 7yo ate a yellow Starburst and didn't say anything so he shall henceforth be known as "He Who Tolerates the Yellow".— Wendy S. (@maughammom) March 17, 2014
Concerned citizen: "I think maybe it's naptime?"— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) March 19, 2014
Me: "No ma'am, we think she has rabies."
I don't mind when my kids whine because it reminds me to get more wine.— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) March 21, 2014
Any guy who's ever been voted Dad of the Year has at one time or another let his kids eat Froot Loops for dinner— Darin Loves Bacon (@darinlovesbacon) March 22, 2014
"Massage should be consensual!" - the kind of thing I yell at my kids— Sarah Wine-Thyre ﾟﾇﾺﾟﾇﾸﾟﾏﾳﾸﾏﾟﾌﾈ (@SarahThyre) March 22, 2014
I am saddened by the fact that I am no longer alarmed when my fingers smell like someone else's poo. This, my friends, is parenting.— Allana Harkin (@AllanaHarkin) March 15, 2014
And the final tally of what the almost 2yo ate today? chapstick-2 vegetables-0. Thanks for playing.— shannon (@trashcanmuffin) March 20, 2014
Me: "Are you just pretending to sleep?"— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) March 23, 2014
4yo: (Shakes head "no".)