Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

3yo: Why'd you check on me last night?
Me: I thought you were having a nightmare.
3yo: I wasn't crying. I was laughing about fish.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) March 28, 2014

Look Holden, a cement truck!

Okay, only 2,094,284 more seconds to figure out how to entertain him today.

— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) March 25, 2014

Loving my children equally is so much easier when they're all asleep.

— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) March 27, 2014

I'll say one thing for winter coats: they make doing school-drop-off in pjs much more socially acceptable.

— Amy Shearn (@amyshearn) March 24, 2014

Candy Crush earns $1 million a day in sales. That's a lot of moms hiding in the bathroom buying lollipop hammers to get past Level 65.

— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) March 26, 2014

"Your kid wouldn't give me anymore bunny treats." -4yo explaining what was wrong to his grandmother.

— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) March 25, 2014

What I've learned about toddlers, some days they're angels, others they're possessed hyperactive gerbils. Just take the good with the bad.

— 🅹🅰🅲🆀🆄🅴🆂 (@jnyemb) March 27, 2014

Murphy's Law dictates that the smallest child will emit the biggest sneeze right as he's emptying the clean dishes from the dishwasher.

— Ann Imig (@annimig) March 28, 2014

My son just referred to asparagus as "Spartacus" and I never want to correct him.

— Jenn Rose (@RealJennRose) March 21, 2014

"Hey, Mom. Toilets and litter boxes are kind of the same thing."

— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) March 28, 2014

Amnesia, but just for the conversation I just had with my daughters about penises.

— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) March 26, 2014

The irony of being a parent is you create life yet you have no life.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2014

What does my kid want as a prize from Daddy after using the potty and washing her hands? A fist bump. She's cooler than I'll ever be.

— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) March 27, 2014

When I see my kids wipe their noses on their sleeves, I like to tell myself they are just being environmentally friendly.

— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) March 24, 2014

Tish: MOM! CHASE JUST CALLED ME A BUTTHEAD!
Chase: Don't live in the past, Tish.

— Glennon Doyle (@GlennonDoyle) March 25, 2014

8 year old (on me saying no): Good thing there are 2 parents in the house!

6 year old: Oh never mind, dad always says to ask mom anyway!

— Niri (@mommyniri) March 25, 2014

What's the difference between a zombie and a father of a newborn? Not much at this point.

— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) March 21, 2014

Rule #679 of being a parent:

Do not serve rice the day you clean the kitchen floors.

— John Willey (@DaddysinCharge) March 26, 2014

I'm glad nobody told me that the amount of time I was spending on my nails would someday be spent wiping kids' hand prints off of walls.

— Naps Happen (@NapsHappen) March 23, 2014

Stopped MY snacking to tell kid he'll ruin his dinner if HE keeps snacking. You don't even know what hypocrisy IS until you become a parent.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 26, 2014

8yo is geeking out over YouTube videos of some British guy named Stampy who..narrates Minecraft games? BACK IN MY DAY WE PLAYED WITH STICKS.

— Linda (@Sundry) March 28, 2014

Skipping just enough words of toddler books to keep the plot intact and not arouse suspicion, yet hasten bedtime, is a fine art.

— Teresa Strasser (@teresastrasser) March 24, 2014

#youknowyoureaMOMwhen you find a petrified partially eaten chicken finger in your purse... smh #bottomofmomssbagtweet pic.twitter.com/J5b7rNDYtm

— Holly Robinson Peete (@hollyrpeete) March 27, 2014