Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
3yo: Why'd you check on me last night?
Me: I thought you were having a nightmare.
3yo: I wasn't crying. I was laughing about fish.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) March 28, 2014
Look Holden, a cement truck!
Okay, only 2,094,284 more seconds to figure out how to entertain him today.
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) March 25, 2014
Loving my children equally is so much easier when they're all asleep.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) March 27, 2014
I sent my kid to school with socks on her hands today cause I couldn't find gloves. Pretty sure this means I've "made it."
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) March 26, 2014
I'll say one thing for winter coats: they make doing school-drop-off in pjs much more socially acceptable.
— Amy Shearn (@amyshearn) March 24, 2014
For people who talk about cake all the time, toddlers suck at eating it.
— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) March 29, 2014
Candy Crush earns $1 million a day in sales. That's a lot of moms hiding in the bathroom buying lollipop hammers to get past Level 65.
— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) March 26, 2014
"Your kid wouldn't give me anymore bunny treats." -4yo explaining what was wrong to his grandmother.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) March 25, 2014
What I've learned about toddlers, some days they're angels, others they're possessed hyperactive gerbils. Just take the good with the bad.
— jnyemb (@jnyemb) March 27, 2014
Bad News: I have a double ear infection and my hearing is muffled
Good News: with 2 kids and my mom here, my hearing is muffled!
— CassafrassStrong (@poizngrl) March 27, 2014
Not only does my kid not talk to strangers, but he throws serious fucking shade.
— Frank Lowe (@GayAtHomeDad) March 29, 2014
Murphy's Law dictates that the smallest child will emit the biggest sneeze right as he's emptying the clean dishes from the dishwasher.
— Ann Imig (@annsrants) March 28, 2014
My son just referred to asparagus as "Spartacus" and I never want to correct him.
— Something Clever 2.0 (@JennSmthngClvr) March 21, 2014
"Hey, Mom. Toilets and litter boxes are kind of the same thing."
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) March 28, 2014
Amnesia, but just for the conversation I just had with my daughters about penises.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) March 26, 2014
The irony of being a parent is you create life yet you have no life.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2014
What does my kid want as a prize from Daddy after using the potty and washing her hands? A fist bump. She's cooler than I'll ever be.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) March 27, 2014
When I see my kids wipe their noses on their sleeves, I like to tell myself they are just being environmentally friendly.
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) March 24, 2014
Tish: MOM! CHASE JUST CALLED ME A BUTTHEAD!
Chase: Don't live in the past, Tish.
— Glennon Melton (@Momastery) March 25, 2014
8 year old (on me saying no): Good thing there are 2 parents in the house!
6 year old: Oh never mind, dad always says to ask mom anyway!
— Niri (@mommyniri) March 25, 2014
What's the difference between a zombie and a father of a newborn? Not much at this point.
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) March 21, 2014
Rule #679 of being a parent:
Do not serve rice the day you clean the kitchen floors.
— John Willey (@DaddysinCharge) March 26, 2014
I'm glad nobody told me that the amount of time I was spending on my nails would someday be spent wiping kids' hand prints off of walls.
— Naps Happen (@NapsHappen) March 23, 2014
Stopped MY snacking to tell kid he'll ruin his dinner if HE keeps snacking. You don't even know what hypocrisy IS until you become a parent.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 26, 2014
8yo is geeking out over YouTube videos of some British guy named Stampy who..narrates Minecraft games? BACK IN MY DAY WE PLAYED WITH STICKS.
— Linda (@Sundry) March 28, 2014
Skipping just enough words of toddler books to keep the plot intact and not arouse suspicion, yet hasten bedtime, is a fine art.
— Teresa Strasser (@teresastrasser) March 24, 2014
— Holly Robinson Peete (@hollyrpeete) March 27, 2014
He's reached the developmental milestone known as "Trail of Destruction." pic.twitter.com/GbCH1zV0uR
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) March 22, 2014