Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!

3yo: Why'd you check on me last night?
Me: I thought you were having a nightmare.
3yo: I wasn't crying. I was laughing about fish.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) March 28, 2014

Look Holden, a cement truck!

Okay, only 2,094,284 more seconds to figure out how to entertain him today.
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) March 25, 2014

Loving my children equally is so much easier when they're all asleep.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) March 27, 2014

I sent my kid to school with socks on her hands today cause I couldn't find gloves. Pretty sure this means I've "made it."
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) March 26, 2014

I'll say one thing for winter coats: they make doing school-drop-off in pjs much more socially acceptable.
— Amy Shearn (@amyshearn) March 24, 2014

For people who talk about cake all the time, toddlers suck at eating it.
— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) March 29, 2014

Candy Crush earns $1 million a day in sales. That's a lot of moms hiding in the bathroom buying lollipop hammers to get past Level 65.
— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) March 26, 2014

"Your kid wouldn't give me anymore bunny treats." -4yo explaining what was wrong to his grandmother.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) March 25, 2014

What I've learned about toddlers, some days they're angels, others they're possessed hyperactive gerbils. Just take the good with the bad.
— 🅹🅰🅲🆀🆄🅴🆂 (@jnyemb) March 27, 2014

Bad News: I have a double ear infection and my hearing is muffled
Good News: with 2 kids and my mom here, my hearing is muffled!
— CassafrassStrong (@poizngrl) March 27, 2014

Not only does my kid not talk to strangers, but he throws serious fucking shade.
— Frank Lowe (@GayAtHomeDad) March 29, 2014

Murphy's Law dictates that the smallest child will emit the biggest sneeze right as he's emptying the clean dishes from the dishwasher.
— Ann Imig (@annimig) March 28, 2014

My son just referred to asparagus as "Spartacus" and I never want to correct him.
— Jenn Rose (@RealJennRose) March 21, 2014

"Hey, Mom. Toilets and litter boxes are kind of the same thing."
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) March 28, 2014

Amnesia, but just for the conversation I just had with my daughters about penises.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) March 26, 2014

The irony of being a parent is you create life yet you have no life.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2014

What does my kid want as a prize from Daddy after using the potty and washing her hands? A fist bump. She's cooler than I'll ever be.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) March 27, 2014

When I see my kids wipe their noses on their sleeves, I like to tell myself they are just being environmentally friendly.
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) March 24, 2014

Tish: MOM! CHASE JUST CALLED ME A BUTTHEAD!
Chase: Don't live in the past, Tish.
— Glennon Doyle (@GlennonDoyle) March 25, 2014

8 year old (on me saying no): Good thing there are 2 parents in the house!

6 year old: Oh never mind, dad always says to ask mom anyway!
— Niri (@mommyniri) March 25, 2014

What's the difference between a zombie and a father of a newborn? Not much at this point.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) March 21, 2014

Rule #679 of being a parent:

Do not serve rice the day you clean the kitchen floors.
— John Willey (@DaddysinCharge) March 26, 2014

I'm glad nobody told me that the amount of time I was spending on my nails would someday be spent wiping kids' hand prints off of walls.
— Naps Happen (@NapsHappen) March 23, 2014

Stopped MY snacking to tell kid he'll ruin his dinner if HE keeps snacking. You don't even know what hypocrisy IS until you become a parent.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 26, 2014

8yo is geeking out over YouTube videos of some British guy named Stampy who..narrates Minecraft games? BACK IN MY DAY WE PLAYED WITH STICKS.
— Linda (@Sundry) March 28, 2014

Skipping just enough words of toddler books to keep the plot intact and not arouse suspicion, yet hasten bedtime, is a fine art.
— Teresa Strasser (@teresastrasser) March 24, 2014

#youknowyoureaMOMwhen you find a petrified partially eaten chicken finger in your purse... smh #bottomofmomssbagtweet pic.twitter.com/J5b7rNDYtm
— Holly Robinson Peete (@hollyrpeete) March 27, 2014