Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
"Daddy can you make me scrambled eggs like when I was little kid? - my four year old daughter— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) April 24, 2014
My kids learn a lot of new curse words on mornings when I oversleep.
— Renee (@nayele18) April 23, 2014
Bummed Easter is over. Now which candy/gift bestowing mythological creature am I supposed to use to extort good behavior out of my children?— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) April 21, 2014
If I can clean the nastiest poopy diaper with one wipe, why can't I figure out a French braid? Clearly the former is more difficult, no?— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) April 26, 2014
Overheard 3 yo playing with knights: "GUARDS! SNEEZE THEM!!"— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) April 22, 2014
Carried my 3 year old for 2 kilometres and she talked about everything in the world except the fact that her shoe fell off at the 1st metre.— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 22, 2014
Spring Break is code for "breaking the springs inside parents that keep them upright."— charlie capen (@charliecapen) April 24, 2014
Do you know what's so lovable about toddlers? No, seriously, I'm asking.— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) April 24, 2014
Sexy used to be him bringing me flowers, now it's when he reminds the kids to use the bathroom before we leave the house.— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) April 21, 2014
Me: "Who taught the baby how to karate chop??"— Jenny O’Keefe (@minicityonline) April 16, 2014
7 year old: "Not me."
5 year old: "Maybe it was the internet."
We go from watching Game of Thrones to Madagascar 3 without blinking an eye because we're parents.— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) April 21, 2014
The 8YO, watching "The Munsters," wonders why I don't take the time to look like Lily.— Sarah Wine-Thyre ﾟﾇﾺﾟﾇﾸﾟﾏﾳﾸﾏﾟﾌﾈ (@SarahThyre) April 23, 2014
Googling "How the ever-lovin' HELL do you play Pokemon?" soon to be followed by "How do I talk my kid into playing ANYTHING but Pokemon?"— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 26, 2014
My pastor dad has the same reaction to someone misquoting scripture as my 4 y/o to those who mess up Do You Want To Build A Snowman.
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) April 23, 2014
Is there rehab for people who continue to sing the songs from the Frozen soundtrack long after their children have gone to bed?— Allana Harkin (@AllanaHarkin) April 22, 2014
Can't figure out my 4th grader's math homework, but still know all of the words to every song on "Appetite for Destruction" so it is a wash.— GoonSquadSarah (@GoonSquadSarah) April 23, 2014
3-year-old:*hits me in the face with a ball*— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 24, 2014
3: Think fast!
Me: You’re supposed to say that before you throw it
3: You think slow
I don't know what's worse, being ordered around by a toddler or actually doing what he says.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 26, 2014
"So what do you do in your down time?" -people who don't have kids.— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) April 22, 2014
My kid did this cute thing where he asked the cashier if she was a lady or a monster, and now we have to buy our groceries in another city.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 23, 2014
My son said "Mommy, I love you because you like jokes, love me, are really nice and don't have hairy legs."— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) April 22, 2014
2yo: "I love meatballs! They make my penis grow big and strong!"— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) April 26, 2014
(This was during a lull in the conversation at my dad's birthday dinner.)
5yo at bedtime, "Momma, I've been wondering... does Shuggie have any kids?" Me: Your grandmother?? My mother?? That one?— Robin O'Bryant (@robinobryant) April 24, 2014
Bedtime Stall Tactic #205:— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) April 23, 2014
The scene: I am rocking my two-year-old before bed.
Kid: "Mommy? I gotta eat lunch."