Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Sometimes they come out a little late, like this week's batch below. (We blame the kids.) Scroll down to read them all and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!

Putting socks on children at 8am is akin to wrapping someone's feet in rags soaked with acid.
— Allana Harkin (@AllanaHarkin) May 7, 2014

Being cute won't persuade me to get up early to cook you eggs, kid. Hell, I'm the one who made you cute--shouldn't YOU be making ME eggs?
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) May 7, 2014

I gave the kids some chocolate, then left the room. That was 15 minutes ago, and now it's suuuuper quiet. Any chance they fell asleep?
— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) May 2, 2014

I don’t know where my phone is, but my 1-year-old must have it because it just automatically uploaded 97 pics of her hand to Facebook.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 5, 2014

Once your baby becomes a Toddler, you throw away your "Baby on Board" bumper sticker and graduate to "Demon on Board".
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) May 7, 2014

"Watch how he can say his ABC's!
Say A-B-C.
Say A-B-C.
Say A..B..C.
No, put that down.
Say A...
I swear he said it a minute ago."

Parents.
— Babies Daddy (@dshack8) May 5, 2014

The recorder: instrument of every child's delight and every parent's nightmare.
— Kathy kissingthefrog (@lifewiththefrog) May 1, 2014

3yo: "someone hit me today!"
Me: "who?"
3yo: "the floor"
Me: "you mean you fell?"
3yo "yeah but it still hit me!"
— Mark, Sonny & Luca (@sonnyandluca) May 8, 2014

I have a cut across the bridge of my nose. I'm telling people it's from a bar fight. But it's from my infant son's razor nails. He won.
— charlie capen (@charliecapen) April 28, 2014

4yo: So dad's your wife, right?
Me: Right.
Husband: Right.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) May 4, 2014

"It's just that I'm so cool and fun so the only way you can really rebel is by being boring. I don't envy you." - heart to heart w my son
— Jenny Mollen (@jennyandteets) May 7, 2014

I'm sorry that I interrupted your story to ask 'do you smell poop', it's just who I am these days.
— Dad or Alive (@dad_or_alive) April 28, 2014

Finishing Mother's Day card for his Grandma...
"Do you want to sign it too?" I ask.
"Nah, she'll know who it's from," he says.
— Nicole Blades (@NicoleBlades) May 7, 2014

5 yr old daughter asked if there's ever a time I won't tell her what to do. I told her to ask her grandmother.
— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) May 8, 2014

An actual thought I just had: "Dammit! Why do I keep driving by all these firetrucks when my toddler isn't in the car?"
— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) May 1, 2014

63% of when I play pretend with my daughter is pretending to be knocked out in hopes my daughter will just let me sleep
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) May 6, 2014

Having 4 loud kids is like being the town drunk.

Whenever I run into someone vaguely familiar, I wonder how embarrassing the backstory is.
— Kathy Cooperman (@Kathy_Cooperman) May 7, 2014

I had my pregnant wife hold my beer as I went to the bathroom...

Because I felt she needed to be judged by 300 strangers...
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) May 11, 2014

My son has a severe case of senioritis. This would be totally understandable...if he weren't 10.
— ilina ewen (@ilinaP) April 25, 2014

It's about time the DSM-V named a disorder for what happens to kids when you bring them home from Grandma's house.
— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) May 2, 2014

Just spent a full minute trying to scrub a freckle off my son's face.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 4, 2014

We take our kids out to eat because our sanity is the price we're willing to pay for not having to do dishes.
— Jill Krause (@babyrabies) May 1, 2014

What's the most polite way to ask your kids to run away?
— eric (@ericsshadow) May 9, 2014

7:30pm and it's STILL light out? How am I supposed to convince my kids it's bedtime? It's like I have to wait for their actual bedtime:(
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) May 2, 2014

Why is it that when I say " Put away your toys" my children react as if I said "Put the lotion in the f@&$ing basket"?
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) May 8, 2014