Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

Signs you've been a parent for a long time: the children have actually convinced you that a roll with butter is a real kind of sandwich.

— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) May 13, 2014

I didn't know "No naked kids on the kitchen counter" needed to be a rule, but I was wrong.

— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) May 15, 2014

"Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice."

-My favorite Hangover quote you can use on your kids.

— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) May 17, 2014

I'm at my parenting best when I randomly yell out "be careful!" every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 13, 2013

The Giving Tree but instead of a tree it’s an iPad and instead of the boy getting older and ignoring the iPad, he never leaves its side.

— Melissa Sher (@thismelissasher) May 15, 2014

I'm such a good mama, playing with my kiddos.

Ok...sitting next to my kiddos.

Ok...we each have our own tablet.

— Loquacious Mama (@jfrank50) May 13, 2014

Morning: The time cats and dogs celebrate because the mumbling grumbling adults and cranky kids leave the house.

— The Captain (@acjlist) May 13, 2014

Set up the activity gym for the baby. So far, the cats love it.

— Bitch McConnell (@exlibris) May 15, 2014

3yo is combing my hair with a spoon and while I admire her creative technique I just wish she'd waited until she was done eating with it.

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) May 15, 2014

2 year old has been walking around all day with a notepad and pen while nude. She looks like the world's leading, drunk reporter.

— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) May 12, 2014

There really is no difference between a tired 4yo and a drunk 34yo. None.

— Ann (@writerPT) May 16, 2013

My 3yo: "What do you call this? Soy sauce? It's amazing."

— Daddy (@daddyslilmiracl) May 14, 2014

Two soccer games done, and we still have a gorgeous Saturday afternoon for whining and crying!

— Ann Imig (@annimig) May 17, 2014

Becoming a parent has helped me to finally understand why my Dad spent so much time on the toilet.

— Allana Harkin (@AllanaHarkin) May 12, 2014

I enjoy long walks at Target, drinking wine by the bottle and vacuuming up small toys while my Kids aren't looking, you?

— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) May 14, 2014

When we grow up, we understand how ridiculous we were as teens, right? BECAUSE SOMEONE IN THIS HOUSE OWES ME SEVERAL DRINKS LATER.

— highlyirritable (@highlyirritable) May 13, 2014

My 10yo is explaining to me how the 7 deadly sins are represented in Spongebob and now I realize I should monitor his computer time more.

— Andrea (@wittywedmother) May 14, 2014

At any given time, there are always 2 of the 7 dwarves living in my house. Today, it is Grumpy and Sneezy.

— Alison Lee (@AlisonSWLee) May 15, 2014

Swiftly carrying a child who doesn't think they're going to make it in time to the bathroom is the closest I'll ever get to being a hero.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) May 17, 2014

My brother in law is in air traffic control at LaGuardia, but has he ever coordinated a 13-girl Daisy field trip? WHO'S BADASS NOW?

— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) May 12, 2014

I'm no expert, but I play one to my kids.

— not your anything (@shawn_spree) May 15, 2014

Me as motivational speaker to my kids:

"You can do it. You can take a nap NOW!"

— Kathy Cooperman (@Kathy_Cooperman) May 14, 2014

You want to know just how tired a parent can become? Last night, I was too tired to eat cheese. That's like one step from death.

— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) May 13, 2014

As a father of two, I have the patience to deal with exactly 1.67 children.

— Shawn (@BackpackingDad) May 13, 2014

"BRUSH. YOUR. TEETH. I'M TIRED OF SAYING IT OVER AND OVER ."

6 year old: "Then stop saying it."

He's lucky we don't own a catapult.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) May 13, 2014

Dear family, there's been a scheduling conflict: the 4yr olds meltdown was pushed back to 5pm, wine was moved to 6pm, & dinner is cancelled.

— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) May 13, 2014

4yo wanted to talk about bats as she fell asleep, painfully slow. And crooks. And what does "lame" mean? Can worms think? I'm exhausted.

— Julia Fierro (@JuliaFierro) May 17, 2014

This parenting shit is really where it's at. You get to truly enjoy stuff you previously despised.

— dax shepard (@daxshepard) May 17, 2014