Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Woke up this morning to my 4 year old cracking eggs. On the floor. Note to self: show him where the mixing bowls and flour are kept.
— Alison Lee (@AlisonSWLee) May 21, 2014
Parenting is equal parts sweeping up messes and comforting that one kid who keeps running into the corner of the table.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) May 22, 2014
If archeologists from the future discovered my bathtub, they'd think it was a shrine for hair ties and used bandaids.
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) May 20, 2014
My 3yo just told me that she doesn't love me "all the minutes."
— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) May 21, 2014
Which is an obscenely profound statement from someone who eats crayons.
In the X-men there's a mutant who can produce spikes all over his upper body. I'd rather give birth to him than take my kids to a theme park
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) May 19, 2014
There should be a theme park called "Parentland" where just parents can go. The rides would be couches where parents can just sit in peace.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 23, 2014
Asking a toddler to clean their room is like asking a hipster to mow the lawn.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) May 23, 2014
If you're going to have a baby shower/barbecue please don't call it a babycue. That's not cute. It's scary.
— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) May 18, 2014
Daycare lady:ᅡᅠYour 2-year-old head-butted another kid over a snack.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 19, 2014
Me: What snack?
Her: Cheez-Its.
I fail to see the problem.
You forget your kid at school ONE time and suddenly everyone feels the need to remind you about 1/2 days. Geez.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) May 21, 2014
I agreed without actually listening to my 3 year old's question so now I'm taking her for a piggy-back ride to Dora's house.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) May 18, 2014
My 4yo's life philosophy:
Fuck an inside voice.
— Wine-O-Mite (@Jen_Up_) May 25, 2014
6 yo has been under the impression that the Star-Spangled Banner asks if you can see "by the elderly light." Glad we got that cleared up.
— Jennifer Mendelsohn ゚ヌᄎ゚ヌᄌ (@CleverTitleTK) May 22, 2014
My daughter just said the five words every parent dreads: "Mommy, I Googled your name."
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) May 19, 2014
My husband: "Kids, guess what mom's favorite book is."
— Kelley (@KelleysBreakRm) May 23, 2014
Them: "Uhhhh..."
My husband: "Facebook."
(He thinks he's so funny.)
"I want you to look at me! I want you to ALWAYS look at me." --My three-year-old explains the popularity of social media.
— Melissa Sher (@thismelissasher) May 20, 2014
Mommy, you're so beautiful. Except your boogers. They're gross. But everything else about you is beautiful. Asher, 6
— Toulouse and Tonic (@toulouseNtonic) May 22, 2014
Apparently toddler didn't ask about me once while I was gone. He did, however, ask for "Mummy's phone". Just so I know where I stand...
— Dr Emma Kavanagh (@EmmaLK) May 17, 2014
Good news: My son can now buckle himself into the car seat.
— The Cisco Kid (@TheCiscoKidder) May 23, 2014
Bad News: It takes 10 minutes for my son to buckle himself into the car seat.
2 weeks later and I swear my heel still hurts from stepping on a Lego!!
— Niri (@mommyniri) May 20, 2014
Things you never think you will say until you have kids: "You are NOT eating dinner naked."
— WhatWouldGwynethDo (@WWGwynethDo) May 22, 2014
My 8yo just came in at 10:45pm and whispered, "I have to poop," stared at me for 5 seconds, then went into the bathroom. This is parenting.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) May 21, 2014
Read More
Last Week's Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Week
There's A Baby In The World Who Doesn't Like "Frozen"
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.