Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways -- so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
This week, we're so happy to welcome guest curator, Melissa Sher, a Best Parenting Tweets veteran with a knack for humor who speaks the truth about parenthood on her blog, Mammalingo, and right here on HuffPost Parents. Read her selections below, and follow @HuffPostParents and @thismelissasher on Twitter for more!
My dad once told me, "Don’t feel bad if you strike out. That just means we can get out of here sooner.” #Dadvice
— jimmy fallon (@jimmyfallon) June 11, 2014
Wife: "Hey, Boone, do you want cereal or oatmeal for breakfast?" Boone: "What do ninjas eat?"
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) June 9, 2014
I'm, son come and show me how this thing works! "years old"
— Miniwheats (@Miniwheats2012) June 11, 2014
Me: What’s the opposite of tall?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 13, 2014
4-year-old: Short.
Me: What’s the opposite of fast?
4: Slow.
Me: What’s the opposite of fun?
4: You.
Confession: sometimes I encourage cheating at Candy Land, because it makes the game end sooner.
— Amy Shearn (@amyshearn) June 11, 2014
*watches son shoot himself in the face with a rubber band*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2014
*tells wife not to expect any "my child is an honor student" bumper stickers*
"Stop competing with each other," I yell at my kids way louder than they can.
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) June 11, 2014
Possible sign that I'm failing as a dad: my son hit me in the groin as a joke & then didn’t get why I was in excruciating pain.
— Mike (@MikeDaddyReal) June 9, 2014
#parenting
I am outraged my daughter was shown The Karate Kid in school today. It was the new one.
— Sisterhood of Moms (@SensibleMoms) June 13, 2014
I already know my daughter's quality of life will exceed mine because she escaped the 6th grade without a perm.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) June 11, 2014
ZOEY: Was the planet Pluto named after the dog?
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) June 10, 2014
ME: Yes, they named the planet that’s been around for billions of years after the dog.
X just told me I'm getting on his last nerve. Because I am making him button his own shirt.
— Cheryl P. Stober (@cherylstober) June 10, 2014
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
— charlie capen (@charliecapen) June 10, 2014
Just spent an hour attempting to explain to my 3 year the difference between Baltimore and Voldemort.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) June 10, 2014
It is so weird that I have a 4yo child. Not because it makes me feel old, but because it’s amazing I’ve kept him alive that long.
— Nate Smith (@natesmithimprov) June 12, 2014
I just saw a family with 4 very unhappy adolescents at a highway rest stop. I've seen my future and it's everything I dreamed it would be.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) June 8, 2014
2yo won't look at me because I just tried to tell her the song doesn't actually go: "ashes ashes, we all freak out!"
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) June 9, 2014
Why do I bother?
I"m taking 3 kids to the zoo. I'm telling you that now in case something appears on the news later.
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) June 12, 2014
My 10 year-old thinks "WTF" means "Where's the food?" and the day he finds out differently I will take to my bed.
— highlyirritable (@highlyirritable) June 12, 2014
If you have a 5 year who wipes their own ass, I'd like to sign up for your parenting classes.
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) June 11, 2014
Toddlers, can't live with em', can't convince them to play in the dog kennel a little longer while you make dinner.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) June 12, 2014
4yo: "(unintelligible mumbling)"
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) June 8, 2014
Me: "What?"
4yo, annoyed: "I SAID THAT I CAN'T TALK BECAUSE I'M PUTTING MY CHIN ON THE BATHTUB!!"
Me: "Oh."
Parenthood can be described in one word.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) June 11, 2014
Exhaustirewardamnfrustratamazing.
Being a mom means there is never enough time in the day and even worse there is never enough sleep in the night.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) June 11, 2014
Read More
Last Week's Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Week
The Craigslist Ad Every Parent Could Write At Some Point Or Another
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.
Related
Before You Go
