Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

OK, get your shoes on, we're leaving now!

-Me, 2 days before we have to leave the house.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 30, 2014

"Ok kids. Whoever doesn't go grocery shopping with Daddy will have to help me clean."

And THAT'S how you get the house to yourself.

— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) July 5, 2014

5yo: "Mom, will you get me a yogurt?"
Me: "You're closer to the fridge."
5yo: *moves to the other side of the room* "Now you're closer."

— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) July 1, 2014

According to life lessons about adulthood I've been teaching my kids, when they're older they can spend as much as they want on iced coffee.

— Jenny O’Keefe (@minicityonline) July 1, 2014

Everything I chronically nag my kids about can basically be boiled down to "Don't be such a shitty roommate."

— Linda (@Sundry) July 2, 2014

Me: Just be quiet for 5 minutes.

4-year-old: OK.

Me:

4: Daddy

Me:

4: Daddy!

Me:

4: DADDY!

Me: WHAT?

4: Look how quiet I’m being!

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2014

"If you're good" is classic parenting contract loop hole for not giving kids anything.

— In Tha Burbs (@InThaBurbs) July 5, 2014

My kids would drive me a lot less crazy if our minivan had one of those limousine privacy screens I could just roll up.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 30, 2014

7yo: Mama can you buy me 5 gallons of glue, 2 BIG bags of dirt & a watermelon?
Me: Of course! That list doesn't sound suspicious at all!

— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) June 29, 2014

You know you're exhausted when you start referring to your kids as, "That one" or "The big one."

— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) June 27, 2014

4yo: "Look! The new neighbors have a shed! Now WE need one!"

Who knew the urge to "keep up with the Joneses" started so early?

— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) July 1, 2014

My Kids asked me to play Aladdin with them, so I took them carpet shopping.

— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) July 2, 2014

9: Can I get a cell phone? I need to be able to talk to people.
Me: No. You can use a soup can and string like a normal kid.

— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) June 29, 2014

My kids are like, "Don't ever give us anything except croutons EVER AGAIN!" and I'm wondering how to argue such a valid point.

— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) July 3, 2014

Me: What do you want to eat?
4yo: Banana
Me: If you keep eating so many bananas, you're going to turn into one
4yo: Then I'll eat myself
Me:

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 4, 2014

Getting my 6-month-old ready for bed is like trying to put skinny jeans on an alligator during a death roll.

— charlie capen (@charliecapen) June 30, 2014

"Daddy, what's dangerouser: kicking someone in the two eyeballs or shooting them with a rocket? #bedtimequestions

— Justin Feinstein (@justinfeinstein) June 27, 2014

"Mama. (pats my head cautiously) That's your head?"
"Yes."
"So it didn't essplode?"
"Not tonight."

— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) July 1, 2014