Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
For once, I wish weather men would give accurate forecasts. "Cold, cloudy, and a 99% chance the baby will cover the kitchen in paprika."— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) August 21, 2014
Sometimes you're in awe of all the things your toddler has learned and other times you regret teaching them things like how to open doors.— Jenny O’Keefe (@minicityonline) August 17, 2014
Toddlers are a daily reminder that you can in fact get your ass kicked by someone much smaller than you.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) August 22, 2014
Parenting is 80% making empty threats & 20% picking up miniature toys on the floor.— Carbosly (@Carbosly) August 19, 2014
Me: Don’t hit people.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 24, 2014
4-year-old: But I really want to!
Welcome to adulthood, kid.
My kids are building light sabers in my kitchen. May the force (and patience) be with me.— Kelly Phillips Erb (@taxgirl) August 22, 2014
I have a dream! I have a dream that one day my kids will learn how to flush a damn toilet!— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) August 19, 2014
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) August 24, 2014
If there was a bar across the street from an elementary school I bet there'd be a lot of parents in there on their kids first day of school.— Busted Flip Flops (@GrillinChillin9) August 20, 2014
I was going to fix my hair and makeup before taking the 4yo to his first day of PreK, but I don't like to set standards I know I can't keep.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) August 20, 2014
That moment your kids start laughing uncontrollably at something you don't understand is like being the only sober person at last call.— The Dose of Reality (@TheDoseTweets) August 19, 2014
Duchess: Hey dad, let's pretend we're superheroes.— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) August 22, 2014
Me: OK, I'm Batman!
Duchess: Yeah! And I'm mommy!
I told my 4yos they are getting 1 cake only for their birthday, so they have to agree on a theme— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 23, 2014
They agreed to 1/2 one theme, 1/2 another.
One difference that I've noticed since having kids is that I'm slowly being discontinued in my parents' collages.— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) August 18, 2014
If they could reach the cups, I'm pretty sure my kids would kick me out of the house.— elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) August 22, 2014
Told my kids we're going to a farm.— Carly Danger (@carlyken) August 20, 2014
9: Does it have Wi-fi?
6: Can I bring my DS?
I think I'm going to leave them there.
I don't care what the circumstances are - the answer to "Do you want to smell my hand, Daddy?" Will always be "no."— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) August 22, 2014
It's a great idea for salons to play movies to keep kids still during trims...until my 7yo starts re-enacting the musical numbers in Frozen.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) August 20, 2014
If you want perspective, have kids, then try to remember how easy it was to only take care of yourself.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 21, 2014
A young person can't believe you'd ever think "THANK GOD THE WEEKEND IS OVER."— Sarah del Rio (@sarahdelri0) August 25, 2014
A parent can't believe you'd ever think otherwise.
"Somebody better be bleeding!"
My response whenever the kids call for me.
— van (@vanluvz1) August 21, 2014
Sometimes my 4yo stops talking & sometimes I don't have wine & Doritos for dinner.— JuneBug (@jenyb4) August 22, 2014
I'm just kidding. Neither of those things ever happen.
Kids are really adorable when they're not doing that thing where they destroy everything in the house.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 22, 2014
When my kids are grown and have their own houses, I'm gonna come over and leave all my trash on their floor.— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) August 20, 2014
You know the kids are desperate to avoid bedtime when they start offering to clean the house.— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) August 23, 2014