Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

If you've ever picked someone else's nose, you might be a parent.

— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) August 30, 2014

Toddlers' hands are so small and gentle and clumsy and cute and armed with razorblades for fingernails. So be safe out there.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) August 28, 2014

Sometimes the most scary thing you can hear from your toddler is the question: "Can I Help?"....

— The Dadinator (@dadinating) August 25, 2014

When a toddler says, "Let me do it, Daddy" it means "let me do it every possible incorrect way while you slowly lose your mind."

— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) August 27, 2014

3yo (after discovering the flap in the front of his underpants): "It's a secret passage...TO MY PENIS!"

— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) August 28, 2014

I just overheard this man say, "Whenever we make salads for the kids they just love it."

I hate him.

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 28, 2014

Me: Found one of your sippy cups, bud.
2yo: I put away.
Me: Thank you, that's a big help!
2yo: Ok. *Throws in linen closet and walks away.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) August 26, 2014

3yo: I need a snack! Waaa!
Me: You're not getting anything until you stop whining! *There's a chance my kid doesn't eat again until he's 22*

— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) August 24, 2014

My daughter convinced my wife to allow her to bring the hula hoop in the house.

Now I make popcorn, open a beer and watch this unfold.

— Salamingia (@salamingia) August 26, 2014

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 28, 2014

6yo: Mom imagine if we never needed sleep again & we could run & play all day & night long?
Me: Honey I don't like to imagine nightmares.

— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) August 28, 2014

If you have kids, the question isn't "is the Frozen soundtrack still part of my life" it's "how long will this continue before I go insane?"

— Skinnie Talls (@SkinnieTalls) August 28, 2014

Yelling "GO FISH!!!!" when playing cards with kids is immensely cathartic when they don't understand the subtext.

— Allana Harkin (@AllanaHarkin) August 26, 2014

My kid walked past her perfectly capable father to ask me for a snack while I was relaxing in the bath... And that folks is motherhood.

— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) August 28, 2014

Parenting is a conglomeration of everything I've never learned.

— John Willey (@DaddysinCharge) August 28, 2014

It's a tough definition to give when your kids ask you to explain what you meant when you said you were Macgyvering something for them.

— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) August 25, 2014

Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch, yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.

— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) September 1, 2014

Putting my child in time out...I'd like to think she's reflecting, but deep down I'm pretty sure she's using the time to plot her revenge

— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) August 31, 2014

"Stop rubbing your hamburger on her leg!"

I've never done acid. But I do have a toddler.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 28, 2014

My daughter better appreciate that the tooth fairy showed up the first night she put her tooth under her pillow.

— It'sReally10Months (@really10months) August 26, 2014

If it weren't for kids having nightmares, I'd never be awake to see what the Internet does at 3:46 am. Thanks kids!

— Nicole Leigh Shaw (@NicoleLeighShaw) August 26, 2014

Me: You know I love you right?
5: I already know that. You say it all the time. You say it every day

Parenting. Sometimes it's that simple.

— Northern Lights ￰ﾟﾦﾖ (@PinkCamoTO) August 28, 2014