The 20 Funniest Tweets From Women This Week

This is an A and B conversation so C your way to D store and ask E what the F he's doing cuz know what G, he probably H your lunch not I. K?

— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 30, 2015

the great thing about being a female comic is that it's NEVER your tweets that keep you from getting that hosting job.

— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) March 31, 2015

🎤I can see clearly now the pain is gone...🎶

Me, after poking my eye out with my mascara wand.

— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) April 2, 2015

If you respond to "I haven't watched it yet, don't say anything" with "ok, all I'm going to say is.." and then literally ANYTHING, fuck you.

— Taylor Casti (@thecoppergirl) March 30, 2015

Be the author of your own story. Be the drunken star of someone else's Snapchat story.

— Colette McIntyre (@calledcolette) March 31, 2015

On Easter we celebrate a person's ultimate sacrifice and resurrection- when our savior Anna gave her life to save Queen Elsa.

— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) April 3, 2015

Hey there Delilah, remember acoustic guitar guy? You went on like half a date & then he wrote that creepy song? umm he came up on my Tinder.

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 3, 2015

Explaining gefilte fish to a non-Jew. It never gets easier. #Passover

— Andrea Lavinthal (@andilavs) April 3, 2015

*looks at facebook photos from 2009* Welp, I can't run for president

— Lauren Zupkus (@laurenzup) April 3, 2015

"Tear Here" should add "First try with hands, then teeth, then scissors, steak knives and eventually a chainsaw. Good luck."

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 3, 2015

*sees a group of teens, is terrified*
*realizes she's invisible to them*
*is somehow hurt even more*

— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) April 3, 2015

~*WhEn yR eX dOeSn'T cHaNgE tHeIr FaCeBoOk pRoFiLe pIc OfTeN EnUfF sO YoU CaN'T ReAlLy TelL iF ThEy LoOk sHiTty nOw 😔😔😔*~

— Lynn Bixenspan (@lynnbixenspan) April 3, 2015

Can Claire Underwood from House of Cards please do an exercise tape where she's like cold and dispassionate but she gives you a perfect ass?

— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) March 30, 2015

If you love something, let it go. I want it. It's mine now.

— Tinker Elle (@elle91) March 22, 2015

The enemy of my enemy is also my enemy, can't have too many enemies.

— maura quint (@behindyourback) March 30, 2015

*becomes an adult*
No, what the heck

— moody monday (@mdob11) March 29, 2015

idk about having kids but I would adopt a 80 year old. Because there so cute at that age.

— Luwanda (@LuwandaJenkins) April 3, 2015

How about no more Instagrams of your food or your private plane.

— Natasha Leggero (@natashaleggero) April 3, 2015

My favorite pastime is apologizing to inanimate objects i bump into .

— Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) April 1, 2015