If you find yourself wondering how it was you missed the whole 4th season of Walker, Texas Ranger, while forcing yourself to attend Lamaze classes with your significant other. If on cool, crisp days the aforementioned tragedy causes you to wistfully wonder how to fill the emptiness inside -- let me introduce you to the Rick Perry for President campaign.
Perry, who has seemingly been governor of Texas since around the time when remaining at The Alamo began to look like a questionable career move, is now ready to throw his 10-gallon hat, frothy intellect and custom-made cowboy boots into the national political ring.
Predictably, Democrats are laughing. He's just another dumb Texan. Another mentally-challenged Republican. He's Reagan. And George W. Bush. He can't win.
Does anyone else see the problem with this line of reasoning? Shhh, don't tell anyone, but Reagan and Bush the Younger served as president for roughly 50 percent of the past 30 years.
Of course Perry can win, and in fact, if the Obama team keeps thinking that "patent reform" is the new WPA and continues to show that fighting Dukakis spirit, I'd go so far as to give Perry the advantage should he secure the GOP nomination.
Should he be president of anything of more consequence than a glee club? Of course not.
He's made it clear in speeches and his recently released macho-man web advert that he'll do for America what he did for Texas -- which probably involves shooting cheetahs recreationally with hollow-tipped bullets and creating benefit-rich employment opportunities for Americans, such as scraping toilets and salting freedom fries.
That's right, the much-vaunted "Texas Miracle" is as fake as Perry, built on the premise that working three minimum wage jobs and going without healthcare (Texas leads the nation in percentage of overall residents and children without healthcare) is some kind of economic Eden, as opposed to say an economic Elba Island.
Perry, meanwhile, is a "cowboy" who wears Armani suits and French cuffs (seriously, French cuffs?). Attacks stimulus spending while taking a heaped helping of it to bail himself out. Uses taxpayer money to enrich his corporate-lobbyist friends -- and endangers the United States of America by inviting a Chinese telecom company into Texas that George W Bush's national security team warned him would pose a cyber-security threat to our military -- after talking tough on the Chinese in his children's book: Fed Up.
In other words, he's a fraud.