Back in grade school, you could acquire considerable status if you had some distinguishing feature that set you apart from others.
For instance, we were all envious of Rodney. The wimpy fourth-grader did not have much going for him in looks or smarts, but he was double-jointed -- a much-admired condition that allowed him to bend his fingers and arms in fascinating ways.
Eugene had a glass eye. On the playground, he could always gather a crowd when he popped out the fake eyeball and rolled it around in his mouth, feigning a gag reflex to make us think he had swallowed it.
One highly "gifted" classmate could fold his tongue in half length-wise, had a birthmark shaped like the continent of South America, and could make offensive body sounds at will.
It was all very disgusting, but what are playgrounds for?
Have you ever wondered what happened to those young showmen, whose antics captured our imaginations years ago? I have figured it out: They became Republican politicians!
Take Rudy Giuliani, for instance. He must have been the kid back in P.S. #137, who could do back-flips in mid-air and land on his feet. How incredibly handy that skill has been for the former New York mayor now running for president.
Mitt Romney was the slick, fast talking kid, who is still able to speak out of both sides of his mouth, making it easier for him to explain his various abortion stances.
Then, there was little Freddie Thompson, who used to do amusing impersonations of Elvis and now finds it politically profitable to imitate Republican Party favorite, Ronald Reagan.
Newtie Gingrich still has a proclivity for backward thinking brought on when he was a big-haired, nerdy kid, who cleverly recited his spelling words backwards, hoping to fend off wedgies from playground bullies.
Who can forget Johnny McCain, the zany jock who repeatedly banged his head against his gym locker until a smile appeared on his face signifying that he was ready to butt heads with the other team.
Sammy Brownback --ever the mystic-- awed his gullible classmates by insisting that he was a super-powered, celestial being and could roll his eyes backwards and mumble in a monotonous, unintelligible drone to prove it.
Sweet Mikey Huckabee was the playground loser until he captured the 5th grade record for eating the most hotdogs at the school picnic, an accomplishment that set him on the path to the statehouse. Now, with his recent weight reduction, "Huck" has once again proven he's a good loser.
But, it was young Tommy Thompson who acquired student stardom by inventing that brilliant childhood excuse: "The dog ate my homework." Proving that he's still resourceful, Thompson recently explained a poor debate response, saying, "I had to go to the bathroom." Good one, Tommy.
My bout of whimsy has led me to a strained conclusion. If, as the Duke of Wellington proclaimed, "the Battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton," perhaps our politicians are shaped on the playgrounds of America.
If so, it might be an argument for a shorter recess.