There's a rumor going around the Internet that Beyoncé intended to release a new album on April 1.
So far, that has not come to pass. Our theory: Beyoncé has been upstaged by Hamburger Helper, a 1970s-era packaged food product manufactured by General Mills, who -- no joke -- just happened to drop a seriously fiery mixtape the exact same day. (Scroll down for audio.)
And not just any mixtape -- a great one. One that overflows with pun-filled lines about having beef and then brushes off critics by saltily proclaiming, "I'm too seasoned, homie." It's the type of mixtape you don't battle with if you don't have to, perhaps even if you're Beyoncé.
But wait. Like a piping hot casserole you've just pulled out of the oven, we haven't begun to dig below the surface of this Beyoncé-Hamburger Helper-Illuminati conspiratorial trifecta. (Because who are we kidding? The Illuminati must be involved somehow.)
The mixtape's title? "Watch the Stove," a not-exactly-subtle riff on "Watch the Throne," the album released in 2011 by Jay Z, who -- gasp -- is none other than Beyoncé's husband. (She also features on the album.)
Even the artwork is similar:
But here's where it really gets going.
In 2009, when Hamburger Helper launched a campaign to feed the hungry, guess who decided to lend some star power to the initiative? Betty Crocker.
Oh, and ALSO BEYONCÉ. The roots go deep here, people.
What's more, the first track on "Watch the Stove" is titled "Feed the Streets." A clear reference to those earlier, more innocent days, when Beyoncé and Hamburger Helper teamed up with the heady goal of feeding the hungry:
Of course, maybe -- just maybe -- this is all a complete fabrication. For the sake of dinner plates and eardrums everywhere, we sincerely hope that's the case.
Give "Watch the Stove" a listen: