Biden Doesn't Enter Race; Hillary Clinton Tries to Secure Lovable Gaffe-Prone Irish Male Vote

Following Vice-President Joe Biden's decision not to run for President, Hillary Clinton has again relaunched her campaign, with the former Secretary of State attempting to secure the lovable gaffe-prone Irish male vote. "Hillary O'Clinton has always been a sound Mac na hÉireann with the gift of gab and an irrepressible, shoot-from-the-hip spirit," says Aaron Hassenfefer, the seventeenth O'Clinton campaign Brand Messager. "Her Irish roots go back farther than and are much, much greener and Irishier than anything in the past of Joe Biden or Martin O'Malley, if those are even their real names."

The brand new brand new campaign will focus on O'Clinton's rowdy, boisterous side, her love of John Ford films, drinking Guinness with the ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt, and the never-ending supply of delightful verbal gaffes throughout her years of public service. "All previous comments about servers and e-mails and being dead broke should now be considered totally endearing by the media," said O'Clinton, while sitting in a field of heather and gorse. "And to quote the famous Irish poet Robert Burns: 'Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie/O, what a panic's in thy breastie!'"

When it was pointed out that Robert Burns was actually Scottish, Hassenfefer noted, "See? That's just another one of Hillary's wonderful gaffes! Doesn't it make her more real? Of course, she can also be Scottish. Or Lithuanian. Or Israeli. Hillary can be anything you want her to be."