Biden To Be Euthanized

Stumbling badly out of the gate, Sen Joe Biden (D-MBNA) will be put down, it has been learned. "We've tried everything," his trainer said. "Plugs, blogs, GaffEx, repunctuation, Jon Stewart -- nothing's worked. At this point, it's the humane thing to do." Spin doctors believe that the new injury proved intractable because it fractured the same joint weakened twice before, in the Kinnock Derby and the Hill-Thomas Stakes.

Representatives of all the cable news networks will be present when the lethal dose of sodium pentothal is administered. In lieu of flowers, contributions may be sent to the PAC of your choice.