It's a run-of-the-mill case: Man claims assailant vandalized his estate, requests assistance from law enforcement.
Only the accused, in this instance, is Bigfoot, who has allegedly been wandering around a Michigan property for more than a decade, shape-shifting and eating pizza.
On Saturday, a 52-year-old Breckendridge, Mich. man came to the Midland law enforcement center armed with evidence, including photo albums, empty food containers, dirt and alleged Bigfoot scat, to ask for help verifying the existence of the mythical creature, according to a report from the Midland County Sheriff's Office.
The man, Anthony Padilla, spoke to a Sheriff's deputy, explaining that he accidentally "awoke" the Bigfoot spirit by knocking branches against trees to break them into smaller pieces. This began when he moved onto his 17-acre property in 1997, according to the incident report, which was sent to The Huffington Post.
Padilla had a serious sighting seven years ago, when he thought he saw a man in a ghillie suit hunting. But when they locked eyes, the "being began to fade and turn into a mist. The mist then reformed into a white tailed deer, and ran away in to the woods," the report states.
Though the existence of the hairy beast known as Bigfoot, Yeti or Sasquatch has never been proven, many have tried. For years, Padilla has seen what he believes is evidence of Bigfoot, including his scat, dead animals, trees broken in specific ways, impressions in the snow and food boxes rolled into shapes or folded into triangles.
In the incident report, Deputy Thomas Anderson said Padilla asked that the food boxes and scat be tested for DNA.
"He was kindly told that DNA processing is only used for serious crimes and that bigfoot is not a suspect in any criminal activity," Anderson wrote. "I explained that scat would not contain DNA, and he was reminded that MSP (Michigan State Police) won't process it."
Padilla said he wanted the Sheriff's Office's to verify his claims to help him win a $10 million cash prize. Competitors on "10 Million Dollar Bigfoot Bounty," a new reality television show, are being offered just that if they find the creature, and Padilla potentially wishes to stake his own claim to that fortune.
There have supposedly been at least three other Bigfoot sightings in Midland County, all in the 1970s. But the mythical beast isn't limited to Michigan: Bigfoot hunter Rick Dyer claims he killed a Bigfoot in San Antonio, Texas in 2012, and the reality show hunters are searching in the Pacific Northwest.
Unlike the Midland County Sheriff's Office, some do think DNA testing is just as useful for proving Bigfoot's existence as it is for solving serious crimes. Dyer said this month that extensive scientific testing (which he has not elected to share with the public), including of its DNA, proved the beast he killed was "the real deal."
"It's Bigfoot and Bigfoot's here, and I shot it and now I'm proving it to the world," Dyer said.
But does Dyer know what cuisine Bigfoot prefers? Padilla does.
"Anthony believes bigfoot is not ape man or a mammal at all, but a spiritual creature that can shape shift, but when it takes form eats pizza and defecates," Anderson wrote in his report.
Midland County Sheriff Scott Stephenson told The Huffington Post they will not be taking any further action on Padilla's request.
[h/t Reddit; Midland Daily News]