Anti-Gay Bigot Tried To Marry His Laptop, Attorney Has Hilarious Response

Better luck next time, Chris Sevier.

The Supreme Court’s landmark ruling on same-sex marriage will be two years old on June 26, but dissenting voices remain.  

This week, a repeat offender is raising eyebrows once again. Chris Sevier, who has reportedly worked as an attorney and an EDM producer at varying points in his career, filed a lawsuit against the state of Utah, arguing that if same-sex couples have the right to marry, he should be allowed to tie the knot with... his laptop computer. 

Sevier, who is acting as his own attorney, has made similar claims before. Last year, he filed a lawsuit in a Houston federal court alleging that he and his 2011 Apple MacBook were denied a marriage license. At the time, he vowed to file additional lawsuits in 12 more states, though it’s unclear if the Utah suit is part of that pledge. “The state is not doing anyone any favors by encouraging people to live that lifestyle,” he told The Houston Press at the time. “We have to define marriage.”

This time around, Sevier included John Gunter, Jr., and Whitney Kohl, who are fighting for the right to enter into a polygamous marriage, in his lawsuit, KSTU-TV reports. Regardless, the Utah Attorney General’s Office wasn’t having any of it, calling on a federal judge to dismiss Sevier’s suit because there is no constitutional right to marry a laptop. 

“These claims are untenable as a matter of law because Plaintiffs lack standing to bring these claims and the right to marry has not been indefinitely expanded, nor should it be,” assistant Utah Attorney General David Wolf wrote in the Tuesday filing, which can be viewed in full here. “Simply put, marrying a laptop computer or multiple partners are not rights protected by the Constitution.”

But Wolf didn’t stop there, offering a priceless retort for Sevier specifically. “Furthermore, even if that were not the case, unless Sevier’s computer has attained the age of 15,” he wrote, “it is too young to marry under Utah law.”


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CORRECTION: The original headline of this article incorrectly referred to Utah Attorney General David Wolf as a “judge.” It has since been amended.