NEW YORK, NY -- Bill O'Reilly was all smiles this Sunday as he watched the New York Jets edge out the Miami Dolphins at the Meadowlands. "I can't believe the game was so sportsmanlike," he said. "With all those big, black men on the field, I was sure someone would pull a gun out at some point, but no one ever did. I even saw some white players shake hands with the blacks after the event. The whole thing was very civilized. It was as if I were at a golf match." He chuckled and added, "Imagine if black people started playing golf! Wouldn't that be something?"
Though O'Reilly has been criticized by some for being racist, his close friend Michael Richards says that's absolutely not true. "Bill's a great guy. I mean, he just went to dinner with Afro-American leader Al Sharpton at an Afro-American restaurant in an Afro-American neighborhood. How could he be racist when he ate food prepared, probably without gloves and hairnets, by Afro-Americans?"
Indeed. It seems O'Reilly is in fact no stranger to black culture. As he noted on his radio show recently, he's been to see Anita Baker in concert several times. Or, well, at least once. He said he was particularly impressed with how well-dressed her band members were, and noted that he could "...follow almost everything she said. There was none of this, 'M-Fer homey damn son gonna freak you shorty' business that's been passed on by generations of blacks in the ghetto." He then furrowed his brow and whispered, "It's a miracle plantation owners were ever able to communicate with their slaves! Am I right?"
Before his critics react too harshly to his seemingly antiquated point of view, they should know, some of O'Reilly's best friends are black. "My housekeeper is black. And my driver. And that guy I bought coke from once. What was his name? Eh, it doesn't matter. He's in jail now. Sick bastard. Selling coke to a white man. He should have given it to me for free!"
But O'Reilly had no complaints Sunday from his seat on the 50-yard line. "Yup. I love football. There's nothing like watching black men beat the sh*t out of each other to confirm to me that some things will never change. What white America doesn't realize is that these guys are just like us. Except they don't know how to read, of course."
You can watch Bill O'Reilly anytime On Demand locally on Time Warner channel 666.