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BirthQuakes

Having a baby is probably the most amazing thing most of us can do during our lives. We are creating a whole new person. And yet, the terminology surrounding this magic would be better suited for describing laying tile or any other number of mundane processes.
10/28/2014 02:07pm ET | Updated December 28, 2014
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Having a baby is probably the most amazing thing most of us can do during our lives. We are creating a whole new person. We are introducing the world to a whole new being capable of astonishing things for the future decades ahead. And yet, the terminology surrounding this magic would be better suited for describing laying tile or any other number of mundane processes. Conception?? Boooring. Trimesters?? Ugh. How did we let this happen? Who came up with these names? If a person intentionally set out to give more sleep inducing monikers to these amazing developments, they'd be hard-pressed to beat them. I envision them being concocted by some grey men sitting around a grey room, pulling sterile names from their sterile imaginations.

It's time for a change and why shouldn't we be the generation to make that change happen? If we, as a people, can be imaginative enough to make Snuggies sound like a great idea, we can improve upon the current names we have in place. Here are a few suggestions to start us off.

Conception = Fertilization Activation

Conception sounds more like we had a good idea than the fact that we have just joined together to continue our blood lines through a whole new human being. It's not like we were sitting around having dinner and the very idea of babies just occurred to us. No, we got it on like we learned about in fourth grade and are now about to get the ball rolling into parenthood. I will no longer refer to this as "conception." Fertilization Activation! Sounds so much better. It even reads like something you want to yell out in victory. It's the "Thundercats, HOOOOOOOOO" of becoming pregnant.

Speaking of being pregnant...

"I'm Pregnant" = "I'm Babies Land-Rover"

Yes, it's a bit more of a mouthful to say, but it's so much more fun than "I'm pregnant." Let's just weigh the facts here. Sure, it might seem like you or your lady friend is in charge of herself during these nine months, but let's face facts. She's no longer captain of that ship. That duty has been shifted to the little guy or gal on the inside. This vessel is now christened the HMS Babyride. The little he or she is really the one giving Captain the orders, despite the fact that you think you're in control. Does this seem at all familiar to you?

"All stop! I order bathroom breaks every 15-16 minutes."

"Awake the cook and have him prepare me some walnuts and olives. Yes damnit, I know it's 3:00 a.m.!!"

"You'll need to sustain this crew of one upon disembarking. Pump up these two milk reservoirs by 20-30 percent."

Contractions = BirthQuakes

BirthQuakes are the new replacement for "contractions." This new term perfectly encapsulates the gravity of what's happening to your wife, your family and your life. If you are experiencing a BirthQuake find cover, because you're about to be shaken up. No matter how many kids you might currently have, nothing will have quite the seismic impact that your family's first BirthQuakes will. These mark the final moments between your life as you've always known it, and your new life as a parent. Just as earthquakes alter physical landscapes and cause literal upheavals of the ground beneath you, the BirthQuakes will also alter your known reality and it will seem as though the ground beneath you has dropped out. Also, as earthquakes can be indicators of volcanic eruptions, BirthQuakes are there signify your child's bursting forth from an abstract idea into tangible reality.

There are so many other things we can change up. Trimesters?? Why not "Level Up" instead?

"Oh, we're about to Level Up to flippers and skeletal structure."

It sounds so much more interesting than "We're in our second trimester." It really lends itself to a better appreciation of the magnitude of what's happening and gives a more celebratory spin on it. Remember, we're not ordering curtains here. We're making Human Freaking Beings!! Let's banish the boring from the birth of our offspring forever more!