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Bless Me Boys For I Have Sinned: A Mom's Confession

Remember all those times when you were little and relentlessly asked for fast food? Well, the truth is, I wasn't really on the phone with McDonald's and they hadn't actually run out of chicken nuggets. Or cheeseburgers. Or french fries.
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My kids gave me a compliment yesterday. Both of them. On the same day. I had no fever so I wasn't delirious. And before you ask no, I wasn't drinking either.

Clearly the only conclusion I can come to is that the world is coming to an end.

Next thing you know pigs will be airborne. But before I get smacked in the head by a flying pork chop, I've got a few things to confess.

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Bless me, boys, for I have sinned. Fairly often, in fact.

* Remember all those times when you were little and relentlessly asked for fast food? Well, the truth is, I wasn't really on the phone with McDonald's and they hadn't actually run out of chicken nuggets. Or cheeseburgers. Or french fries.

*While we're on the subject, the playground wasn't closed on Tuesdays. It wasn't closed every other Wednesday either.

*There is no law that in mall food courts you have to eat all of your meal before you can order dessert. And that guy standing by the door wasn't a policeman watching you to be sure. He was just mall security.

*I don't actually have eyes in the back of my head, I spied on you. They didn't call it stalking back then and anyway I'm your mom, I'm sure I could have talked my way out of it if you'd caught me.

*I found your missing money. Every time. It was in the wash. Every time. I don't apologize. I know I taught you that infinitely important life lesson "finders keepers, losers weepers." That one's true, btw.

*You sucked at all of those instruments. All. You thought practice was torture for you? Why do you think I drink?

*I do actually know what happened to that xylophone. I threw it out. I'd do it again.

*I didn't really sign you up for all those summer camps because I knew you'd want to go with all of your friends. More like I talked their mothers into it.

*Before you could tell time, when dad was away on business trips and it seemed like it was too light out for your bed time, it was.

*And once you could tell time, I pushed the clocks forward an hour. Sometimes two.

*The Pediatrician doesn't give extra shots to kids who don't eat their vegetables.

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*The Easter Bunny didn't really have a "naughty or nice" list like Santa Clause. As long as we're being honest, neither did the tooth fairy.

*You were right; I had bought more cookies than made it into the pantry. But that was for your own good. You didn't exactly love visiting the dentist. And he didn't exactly rejoice in seeing you coming either, just so you know.

*Eating too much ice cream does not cause warts. Or herpes.

*I hadn't actually been reading a sad book each and every time you had a school snow day. But those tears were real nonetheless.

*And while we're on the subject, the truant officer doesn't come and put you in jail if you don't play outside for a least a few hours on snow days.

*All kids don't have to wear their underwear backwards once a month to remind them that in some countries families cannot afford underwear. Every now and then a mama just has to find ways to amuse herself.

*Cars don't have ejection seats for boys who fight while mom is driving.

*And no, thunder is not G-d's way of warning you that he's going to send lightening next if you don't quiet down.

Glad to have that off my conscience.

Is it getting hot in here? I may need to ask that guy with the horns and the pitchfork to turn up the air conditioning.

NOTE: This post previously posted on Baking In A Tornado as Bless Me Boys For I Have Sinned

Karen is a former Director of Social Service and Retail Buyer, now adjusting to a semi-empty nest. She blogs and shares recipes at BakingInATornado.com
Karen's been featured on websites including TODAY Parenting Team, BLUNTMoms, BlogHer, The Daily Meal, Mamapedia, Scary Mommy, Treat a Day, MyFoodies, Midlife Boulevard and BA50. She's a BlogHer Influencer as well as a contributor to The Culinary Content Network, Felicity Huffman's What the Flicka and TODAY.com. Karen has been published in the Life Well Blogged series and co-authored the book The Mother of all Meltdowns.
For updates, visit her blog at Baking In A Tornado
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