Bloggers Are Mean and They Suck

Well, yes. We are. We do.

We can't help it. We're shrill and extreme. We refuse to see all the good that comes out of maintaining the status quo - even though the status quo we once knew is nowhere to be seen these days.

And did I mention we're ungrateful? How can we not understand the enormous personal sacrifices made by Joe Klein, Joe Lieberman - or Mickey Kaus, for God's sake? What is it we're missing?

Personally, I'm embarrassed by all of us liberal blogofascists insisting on a place in the national discourse simply because we happened to be, um, right about George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Condi Rice, Tom DeLay, Karl Rove, Iraq, the WMDs, the allegiances of the corporate media, the steady erosion of civil liberties, global warming, Republican incompetence, hypocrisy, greed and dishonesty, fiscal irresponsibility, the widening chasm between economic classes, and the evergrowing efforts to turn our country into a theocracy.

So we got lucky on a few things. But just because we were right doesn't mean we can't be gracious. And humble.

I'm more than happy to defer to my betters, and that includes anyone, anywhere, who was wrong on all of the above. Because they thought the best of people, and only we shrill and bitter bloggers were mean enough to suspect the worst.

Which makes them better people. Now do you understand?

As to the whole Joe Lieberman thing - well, it's understandable. Once someone's been in Washington long enough, they know where the best restaurants are and they know all the best caterers (or, at least, their staffers do). So when they take a reporter to lunch, or throw a cocktail party, you can expect some really good food. That's important to any serious journalist. (That, and the flattery.)

It's also really important to understand the difference between a president getting a blowjob in the Oval Office and a president pretending to look for WMDs in the Oval Office. One of those things is funny ha-ha, and the other is treason. Bloggers never quite got that, and I hang my head in shame at our collective shortcomings.

Come on, bloggers: Let's admit it: We're too hung up on reality. We refuse to see the grander vision, the value of the patriotic chum thrown out to the masses. I mean, really. What is this obsession we have with facts?

You want facts? Here's one. The fact is, government (and by extension, the media) exists to serve itself. Liberal bloggers are simply weak, greedy and obnoxious for insisting their vision of American democracy is the correct one, grounded though it may be in obsolete concepts like law.

The Bush administration is a veritable shining city on a hill, and here we are, pissing into the water supply. No wonder they hate us.